Page 94 of Our Secret to Keep

Bored with the selection, I turn off the TV and look up at him. “I’ve been writing in the journal all day.”

His thumb brushes my cheek, a smile on his face. “Please let me see.”

“It’s embarrassing.” A blush dusts my cheeks, heat spreading down my neck. “I wrote stuff that… I’m trying to work it out. I don’t want you to see it yet.”

“Did you write about me?”

I nod, keeping my expression vacant, afraid he will see the truth on my face.

“I’ll make you a deal,” River says. “If you let me read your journal, we can jerk off together.”

Most people would be annoyed by his intrusive behavior. But River is not like most people, and we have never kept secrets from each other.

I lift an eyebrow at him. “Will you touch my dick?”

River nibbles on his bottom lip, grabbing the growing bulge in his pants. “Only if you touch mine.”

Because I might be losing my mind, I lean forward and grip his hips, breathing in his scent—a spicy soap and his usual musky cologne. He doesn’t stop me from basking in his essence, lost in his feel and smell.

I shove up his fitted T-shirt a few inches and let my lips brush across the waistband of his pants. River lets out a guttural sound.

“Fuck, Nate.” His skin pebbles with tiny bumps, and then his fingers are weaving through my hair. “You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

I stick out my tongue and roll it over his warm skin. “Tell me how bad you want me, Riv. I’m not stupid. You’ve been getting off to me long before I started sending you videos.”

Choking down his fear, he clears his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I breathe on his soft skin, right over his nipple. “Yes, you do.”

“Fuck,” he whispers. “That feels good.”

I lick his nipple, and he hisses. “I watch you, too. It’s not one-sided.”

As I peel my lips from his body, he shivers and scrubs a hand over his jaw.

“I’ll let you read my journal… But I want more from you.”

“Like what?”

“I have a lot of questions.” I rise from the bed, yanking at the ends of my short, blond hair. “How long have you been into men? Are you gay? Bi? Pan? You know, stuff like that, I guess.”

River gets in my face, our lips nearly touching. “I have fantasized about you fucking me for years. What I feel for you goes beyond a crush. Or a fantasy. I want you, Nate, but you will never want me. Not like that.”

He has no idea.

My best friend is so cute and clueless. Every night for months, I have jerked off to videos of River. A few times, I even got hard looking at old pictures of River shirtless and wearing bathing suit trunks.

Memories of our summer vacations flood my mind. I think of all the holidays and trips we have taken together and the years we lived together, sharingeverything.

I skim my fingers on his forearm, directly over the tattoo mirroring mine, an infinity symbol showing our everlasting bond. “It just took me longer to see it.”

His eyes lower to my finger tracing over his ink. “Nate, I… I don’t understand. Are you gay?”

I shake my head. “I still like women.”

“I think I’m gay,” he says, and I can see the relief rolling off him in waves. His shoulders sink as his chest deflates.

“Really? But you like fucking girls.”

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