Page 75 of Our Secret to Keep

“I can’t quit cold turkey, Doc. I’m a man.”

“Your gender is irrelevant,” she says as we walk toward the door. “All human beings have desires. It’s how we choose to satisfy them that matters.”

“So, when can I have sex?”

Instead of answering the most critical question, she says, “I want you to keep a journal of your thoughts. Record every time you get the urge to have sex, watch porn, masturbate, or engage in any destructive behavior. Try to be specific. Write down why you feel that way and if something triggered you.”

I consider her suggestion and immediately dismiss it. “If I write down every sexual thought, my hand will fall off by the end of day one. And then, I won’t be able to play hockey.”

Or with my dick.

River groans beside me. “I’ll make sure he does it.”

“To be clear, Doc, can I jerk off?”

“Once a day,” she says but seems conflicted by her response. “If you feel the need. But no more than that. And no watching pornography. No more making home movies.”

“How do you expect me to get off?”

“Use your imagination,” River says, tugging on my hand as she opens the door for us.

After we say our goodbyes, River drags me out of the office. I squeeze his long fingers on the elevator ride to the ground floor and all the way to the parking lot, draining the life from his knuckles.

He lets go when we’re standing at his car.

No, don’t leave me.

“River?”

He must see the look in my eyes because he pulls me into his arms, stroking his fingers down my back. “I got you, Nate.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Never.”

His nose burrows into my neck, and I tilt my head to the side to give him better access. I love the feel of his skin pressed to mine. The sounds he makes when he sniffs me. For years, he’s done this when we hug.

It’s like River is scenting his mate.

If I could choose anyone as my forever person, it would be River. I hate being apart from him. Any distance, even during classes, annoys the fuck out of me.

River is mine.

Why do I like the sound of that?

I’m so damn confused. Lately, it seems my sexuality is dangling by a thread. I mean, I know for a fact I’m not gay. Women are the best. They smell good and look pretty when they get dressed up. And I love when my cock disappears into a nice, tight pussy.

Yet, I need River to hold me together, to keep me from drowning in a sea of darkness.

I’m not gay.

But I am for River.

CHAPTER25

NATE

All night,I toss and turn, wracked by nightmares. They never go away, no matter how hard I try to dull them with alcohol and sex.

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