Page 74 of Our Secret to Keep

“Once we let them go, no.” This from River. “It’s on to the next one.”

“We’ve had sex with so many women, I’ve lost count.” I toss the pillow behind my back and gulp down the anxiety, clawing at my throat. “I can’t even remember most of their names.”

“If you had to guess, how many women have you had sex with?”

Do you have a calculator?

I glance at River, hoping he can supply an answer. He bites his lip. Either he’s embarrassed or just as clueless as me. Half the time, we were drunk off our asses. Other times, I was high and on another planet.

“I don’t know. But Samantha is our longest,” River says. “Until Saturday night, we were with her for two months. I think she’s in love with us… Which is another reason it’s time to let her go. We’ve been leading her on for too long when there’s no future for her with us.”

She looks at me. “How about you, Nate? Are you interested in having a romantic relationship with Samantha?”

“Romantic? No.” I snicker. “Sexual? Yes. But if River’s out, we can find another girl.”

“No,” River growls at me. “I don’t want to do this. Period. I feelnothing. I’m so dead on the inside and hate myself for feeding your addiction. She’s just another girl, the same as it’s been since we were fourteen. I’m sick of this shit.”

My eyes widen at his confession. I thought he was mad Saturday night and needed to let off some steam. Yet, he’s ripping my fucking heart open and gutting me with his words. He can’t stop, not when Ineedhim.

“What am I supposed to do?”

He leans forward on the couch and tugs at the ends of his dark hair. “You can have sex with women without me there.”

No, I can’t, not anymore.

“What if I don’t want to?”

He turns his head away, eyes on the wall. “I’m not giving you a choice.”

The most awkward silence of my life clings to the air. River stares at his shoes, fingers working through his hair as he sighs.

I slide my hand onto his knee. “Riv, talk to me.”

He tosses my hand away.

My heart can’t take much more. After years of gluing me back together, River is done with me. I have finally pushed him over the edge, and if I don’t change, he will accept a deal with a team far away from me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m fucking sorry, Riv. I wish I weren’t like this.”

His lips part, and for the first time in years, I have no idea what he wants to say. He zips his mouth shut and closes his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose, sucking in those breaths I have been taking for the past hour.

Dr. Swanson glances at her watch. “Depending on your schedules, we can meet again next week.”

River rises from the couch and smoothes a hand down his pants. “Our schedules are pretty packed. But we’ll be here. Just tell us when.”

He hasn’t given up on me.

Thank fuck.

“Until next time, Nate, I want you to reduce your overindulgence in sex and pornography. Try to limit it as much as possible.”

I scowl at her. “I can’t jerk off?”

“Masturbation is okay at an acceptable level.”

“I jerk off once a day,” River interjects. “Is that considered acceptable?”

She nods. “Yes. But for Nate, even once daily could lead to more compulsions.”

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