Page 72 of Our Secret to Keep

This is my greatest fear.

Once we graduate, our relationship ends. My life will crash down on me once and for all, and no one will be left to help me pick up the pieces. It’s my childhood all over again.

Abandoned.

Unloved.

Afraid.

CHAPTER24

NATE

Dr. Swanson hitthe nail on the fucking head. Damn, this woman is good. She peeled back all of my damaged layers, exposing my worst fear.

Losing River.

My heart pounds so fast that I grab the arm of the couch for support. River is too far away. He’s on his respective side when I fucking need him here.

Touching me.

Making me feel better.

That’s his job.

Fuck, I’m needy.

I don’t like the distance, so I scoot closer. River seems to notice and meets me halfway. He always knows what I need. Even when he’s pissed at me, he never denies me.

I squeeze his fingers, holding his hand on the couch. He mimics my gesture, a sad look in his green eyes. Watching me lose my mind hurts him. He rarely expresses his feelings since I’m already such a disaster. But there have been times when I cried in his arms, and he held me tighter, a sob escaping his throat.

“Do you feel triggered knowing River could leave you?” Dr. Swanson asks, bringing my focus back to her face.

For a moment, I ponder her question. The answer is so fucking obvious. River knows what’s up. He doesn’t say the words aloud, knowing they will gut me. One day, he will go where I can’t follow. Our lives are mapped out for us, inevitably pulling us apart.

I nod. “I dread River going off on his own. We’ve been together for ten years and haven’t spent more than a week apart.”

Dr. Swanson taps the pen on her notepad, lips pressed into a thin line. “How does it make you feel? Be specific.”

Are you kidding?

I feeleverything.

“Angry. Scared. Alone. Like I need to do something.” My fingers drum on my knee to an imaginary beat. “I have to keep my body and mind in motion… or get lost in my thoughts.”

“Does River moving away make you want to have sex? Watch porn?”

“Yes,” I admit and swallow the lump lodged in my throat. “Lately, I have needed to do itwithRiver. I couldn’t even get hard the other night after he left. But I wanted to fuck. My skin felt like it was going to melt if I didn’t have an orgasm.”

“How did you get back in the mood?”

My cheeks heat at the memory. “I watched a video of River and me with Samantha.”

Her expression gives away nothing. Most people would be disgusted by my admission. Instead of judging me, she moves on to the next question.

“What about the video helped you?”

“I don’t know.” I roll my shoulders against the couch. “The memory, I guess.”

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