Page 71 of Our Secret to Keep

I nod. “More than anyone.”

“Do you trust him?”

“With my life.”

River slides over to my cushion and grabs my hand. I feel the nervous energy slithering down his arm, but he appears calm on the outside. He’s so good at masking his feelings.

Dr. Swanson glances down at our linked fingers. “You care about River.”

Another nod.

“Do you feel intimacy with him?”

“No, we don’t have sex. I already told you that, Doc.”

“You can have sex without intimacy. But you can also have intimacy without sex.” When I narrow my eyes at her, she says, “You have a bond with River, one that’s emotional, mental, and physical.”

“Not physical,” I snap.

She tips her head to our joined hands to prove her point.

My lips form anO, but I don’t interrupt her.

“I watched how you responded to him when you entered my office. You can be yourself with River. He makes you feel validated and safe. You can be vulnerable with him.”

“I’ve never felt that way with anyone else. He knows everything about me.” I hang my head low, ashamed of forcing River into this mess. “Ineedhim there.”

“Because he makes you feel safe?”

I nod in answer. “We don’t have sex. But we fuck the same girls. Isn’t that being intimate?”

She shakes her head. “Can you name a time when you were vulnerable with anyone?”

“With River,” I admit. “When I told him abouther.”

“Have you ever shared this with anyone else?”

“Only my parents and former therapists.”

She pauses for a beat and takes a sip from her coffee cup. “How did your parents respond when you told them?”

“They sent me to boarding school and brushed it under the rug. After I turned eighteen, I stopped going home on my college breaks.”

“Where do you go instead?”

I shrug. “Wherever River wants. We usually spend our summers at his house in The Hamptons. Aspen for the winter break.”

“You have a special bond with River,” Dr. Swanson says to break the dark thoughts swirling around in my head. “On some level, your connection is linked to the trauma. He was there for you right after it happened. Instead of helping you through that time, your parents sent you to boarding school, and you sought comfort in River.”

At least this doctor isn’t a fucking quack. She seems to get me. River said she specializes in both trauma and addiction. And she knows her shit.

“I still do,” I say with my eyes on my best friend. “I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes when he’s not around.”

That sounds super unhealthy… and maybe it is a little fucked up. But River is my lifeline. Without him, I would probably be dead right now.

River squeezes my hand. “It’s okay, Nate. I’m not going anywhere.”

“That’s not true,” I spit back. “When you sign with an NHL team, you’ll leave me behind.”

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