Page 69 of Our Secret to Keep

“I still feel like I could have stopped it. I was bigger than her. Stronger. But she…”

I lean forward, head in my hands, fighting the tears ready to spill. Consumed by anger, I clench my jaw and feel my teeth grind. I like the pain. It reminds me that I’m alive.

River rubs circles on my back, always knowing the right thing to do to make me feel better. He gets that quality from his mother. When he was sick, she would do the same thing. His father is an unbearable asshole. Thank fuck he didn’t turn out like his dad.

Everything I love about River comes from his mom. I wish I had a mother like his. She’s sweet and kind and makes you feel at home.

Whenever I think about my mother, I think abouther—the She-Devil. No matter how hard I have tried, I can’t fucking eraseher.

CHAPTER23

NATE

This ismy worst fucking nightmare. My version of Hell. If I could teleport, I would beam my ass out of this office and to another planet.

My shirt sticks to my chest, slick with sweat like my forehead, neck, and palms. Fanning myself with my hand, I suck in another deep breath. As if my nightmares are not bad enough, I have to relive this shit during the day.

“You are not responsible for what she did to you,” Dr. Swanson lilts, her tone calm and sweet. “Many victims of sexual assault justify what happened to them by blaming themselves. You didn’t do anything to provoke her.”

My mind wanders back to the first few months withher. It’s dark in my bedroom when she wakes me up. Panic immediately sets in as her hand inches down my chest.

“You’re so big, Nathaniel.” Her hand dips beneath the waistband of my boxers. She grabs my dick and strokes it until I start to feel something. “Look at you growing for me. You like it, don’t you? That’s my sweet boy.”

Did I like it?

Yes and no.

That was the problem.

I got off onherbut hated myself for it later. And since I was so young, I didn’t understand sex and how she used it against me.

“Where did you just go, Nate?”

It’s Dr. Swanson.

I blink a few times and focus on her face. “Um… I was thinking about her.”

I don’t want to do this anymore. Searching the office for a clock, I don’t find one. So, I reach into my pocket and check the time on my cell phone.

Thirty more minutes.

No fucking way!

“Can we talk about something else?”

Dr. Swanson crosses her right leg over the other. “Sure.” Then her gaze drifts to River. “Can you tell me about your relationship with River?”

That’s easy.

“He’s my best friend.”

“It’s not that simple,” River adds.

“How so?”

“I asked Nate to see you because he has a sex addiction.”

She clutches the pen in her hand, her face expressionless. “Much like other addictions, sexual compulsion is a serious condition. That’s not a diagnosis I would give out lightly.”

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