Page 68 of Our Secret to Keep

He guides me to a plush couch large enough to fit several people. She takes the chair across from us, separated by a coffee table. It’s bare except for a floral arrangement.

“What brings you in today, Nathaniel?”

“Nate,” I correct. “Don’t call me Nathaniel.”

I hear her voice in my head, my name whispered on her pretty pink lips.

“Nathaniel, my sweet boy. You’re so big now. So much taller than the other boys your age.”

I cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes, willing the memory to fade. The flashbacks never go away. They stick like cement, etched into my fucking soul. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shakeher.

“Nate.” River slips his fingers between mine. “She’s not here.”

“Who are you referring to?” Dr. Swanson asks.

“The woman who sexually assaulted Nate for a year.”

Since I’m not with the program, River takes the lead. He places his hand on my knee to keep it from shaking and speaks for me.

“Nate’s parents have an open marriage,” he says, starting from the beginning of my miserable existence. “They have sex parties. And when Nate was a kid, they had them every weekend.”

Dr. Swanson reaches for the notepad on the table beside her, and once again, I’m staring at her tits, hoping they will pop out of her shirt. Free themselves of the burden of being trapped in that bra.

“Nate, were you present for the parties?”

Me?

Right.

“Yes,” I choke out. “I was upstairs. In my room. Sleeping.”

More like trying to sleep.

“How old were you when this started?”

“The parties? I don’t know. Five, maybe. But nothing happened with her until I was eleven, almost twelve.”

She scribbles something on her notepad, and then her eyes are on me again. I feel like a specimen under a microscope as she analyzes me. “Did your parents ever force you to engage in any sexual acts?”

I shake my head.

“I normally ease my patients into speaking about trauma,” she says in a soft tone. “But if you’re okay with discussing that time in your life, we can continue.”

I nod, even though I want to run away. River is the only reason I am here.

I can’t lose him.

“All week, I dreaded the weekends because that meant she would be there,” I explain.

“Can you tell me how it started?”

I sink into the couch cushion, wishing magic was real so I could disappear. “Shewasmy mother’s best friend.”

“So, she was someone you trusted?”

I bob my head. “I thought she was pretty. At first, I didn’t think what she was doing to me was wrong because of my attraction to her.”

“In many cases, victims of sexual assault can still feel arousal, even though they’re not enjoying the act. This is not your fault, Nate. You were a child taken advantage of by an adult who knew right from wrong.”

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