Page 65 of Our Secret to Keep

All night, I thought about how I dismissed River after I used his hand for my pleasure. I kicked him out of my bedroom because I couldn’t deal with liking the taste of his cum.

River drums his fingers on the mattress as if hearing an imaginary beat in his head, focused on the wall. “No, I wasn’t uncomfortable. I just wish you could get your urges under control. What we’ve been doing is confusing to me.”

I scroll through my Contacts and find the doctor’s name. “I’m calling her now. Okay?”

He nods, waiting for me to follow through.

Raising the phone to my ear, I hear a woman’s flowery voice on the second ring. I explain my issue and schedule an appointment for the end of the week. Then, she asks if she can put me on hold. River studies my face as I chew the inside of my cheek.

He takes my hand in his to stop me from fidgeting. Just the feel of his calloused skin against mine settles my nerves. River is all I need. Fuck talking to quacks about my shitty childhood. No one can calm me down like him.

River traces a circle on my hand, and it sends a shock to my nervous system, telling it to chill the fuck out. “Is everything okay?”

I blow out a breath of air and nod. “I’m on hold.”

When she returns, the woman says, “I just had a cancellation today. Would three o’clock work for you, Mr. Brooks?”

“One second,” I tell her before muting the call. “Can you come with me this afternoon?”

“I can move around a meeting I had scheduled. No big deal.”

“I can go later this week. They have another opening.”

He shakes his head. “No, you’re going today. With me. Say yes before she gives it to someone else.”

I unmute the call and accept the appointment for this afternoon. After I hang up, River is gripping my hand for dear life. Like he’s afraid I will run away. I might if the nerves don’t eat me alive. I have the rest of the day to freak out over going to the doctor’s office—to tell her my horror story.

Yay! Can’t fucking wait.

“I know you’re scared,” River says to break the silence. “But I’ll be right by your side.”

When we were kids, I taught River how to stand up for himself when older kids gave him shit. Then, I showed him how to shoot a gun. How to shave. How to be a man. That was one thing my father passed down to me. My ability to get things done without anyone’s help.

River usually follows my lead. But now, I need him to be the aggressor. To hold my hand and make sure I don’t fall apart. I need him to make this day bearable.

“Get in the shower.” He drops my hand on the bed. “We have class in thirty minutes. And I want to stop and get coffee.”

I slide my long legs off the bed and raise my arms above my head. Stretching out my muscles, I yawn, not ready to start the day. I slept horribly last night. Tossing and turning, flipping from one nightmare to the next.

The bad dreams always find me.

It’s impossible to run from my past.

CHAPTER22

NATE

My palms sweatlike crazy as we park in the garage. It’s been years since I went to therapy. And I don’t miss it. The last doctor made things worse, not better. After our final appointment, I went off the deep end and never looked back.

River turns off the Aston Martin’s ignition and looks at me. “You can do this, Nate.”

“Uh-huh,” I mumble, trying to calm the rapid thumping of my heart.

“You can,” he assures me. “And I will help you get through this. I want you to get better. To be happy.”

“I am happy.”

He shakes his head. “No, you’re not. The compulsions are ruining your life.”

---