Page 79 of If This Was a Movie

How did we get here?

One minute I was safe, building First Position and cheering my friends on and avoiding even the faintest whisper of dating, keeping myself safe in my little fantasy world, and then Nate is here and talking abouteventually.

How did this happen? How did we go from safe and strictly platonic to him fingering me on my kitchen counter and talking about moving in together?

This is too much.

This is too fast.

“This is moving too fast,” I say, feeling like I’m floating, checking out.

“What is this, Jules?” he asks quietly, a hint of defeat in the words that make me want to say,just kidding!

But I can’t. As much as I want to, I can’t. I need to let common sense win. I’ve been letting my emotions win too often these past weeks, and that’s exactly how I got hurt last time.

Building this with Nate, or even thinking about building anything with Nate, is far too dangerous for me. The last time I let myself fall into romantic daydreams, I couldn’t get out of bed for a month except to go to work.

The last time I lost Nate, I built a wall around myself and swore off romance. What happens if I lose him again?

“This is you helping me out with my place and giving me a place to stay. It’s me watching Sophie in return and helping with her Christmas wish because she deserves that little bit of magic.” I explain our original agreement.

“Jules, come here,” he says, an arm out to me. I shake my head. “Jules, baby. Please. Come here.”

“No! No. No touching,” I say, stepping back, and Nate fights a small smile.

“No touching?”

“No! Because every time you touch me, my brain goes scrambled, and I lose all common sense.”

“Your brain goes scrambled when I touch you?” he asks, the smile winning and humor in his words. He thinks I’m joking, that I’m being silly and flirty, but I mean it. When Nate isn’t holding me, when I’m not under his spell, I can think straight. I can see a future where if I let myself fall completely, I could get hurt. When he holds me, all of that goes out the window, leaving me lost in just how good being his feels.

“Yes! Every time you touch me, my snaps fail, and I make dumb decisions. Dumb, unsafe decisions. And if you touch me right now, you’re going to convince me it’s all okay and everything will be just fine, but we can’t do this.”

The humor in the atmosphere around him fades quickly, and he looks at me differently now.

“I thought you just said it was moving too fast. Now we can’t do this at all?” I cross my arms on my chest and avoid looking at him, but he steps closer, bending a bit to force me to look at him. “Why are you so dead set on keeping your wall up, Jules? You’re safe. You’re safe with me.”

He says it with so much conviction, so much softness and kindness, and I know he thinks that, but I also know the truth. Real life isn’t like the movies. It’s scarier, and a safe happily ever after isn’t promised. It’s safer to keep my heart protected at all costs.

His hand reaches out, the now familiar calloused hand tipping my chin up to look at him, and then, finally, I break.

“Because I could barely leave my bed for a week last time, and we barely spent a weekend together, Nate. What happens next time if this falls apart?” The words come out louder than I intended, and I pause, breathing heavily and taking in his shocked face before continuing. “I saw what losing my dad did to my mom, how it changed her as a person, and I don’t want that to happen to me. I’m not the same as I was a year ago. I’m not an idiot, believing in signs and messages when there’s nothing there. I stay rooted in reality, where I can’t get hurt that way again.

“This? This is great, Nate. You’re great, and one day, you’re going to make someonesofucking happy. You deserve someone who can trust in everything you can give her and not be looking over her shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because with me? It always fucking drops. And I’m tired of picking up the pieces when it does.”

“Okay,” he says, low and easy before he stares at me, his hand still on my chin, reading every flash of emotion and thought and shift of my eyes.

I worry I went too far, exposed too much, and for a split second, I regret my words, even if I believe it to be all true and for the best.

“Okay?” I ask, my stomach dropping, and he nods.

“Okay.”

“What? Okay, what?”

“Okay. I see it. You’re terrified, and this is moving too fast.”

My mouth drops open, and I gape at him.

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