Page 1 of Training my Human

ChapterOne

A rumble shookthe building and wobbled my seat just as I began delicately shading a tattoo. The jostling dragged the ink-filled tip across the flesh in a dark, unsightly line, making me silently curse.

How the fuck was I supposed to fix an error of that extent? The dark mark couldn’t be camouflaged, since it stretched across the cheek of the portrait being tattooed on Bruno’s arm.

I should probably worry about that later since the building was still shaking, leading Leo, my boss, to holler, “Everyone outside.”

Probably a good idea. Our old, retrofitted shop hadn’t been built to withstand tremors of that magnitude.

“Earthquake or gas explosion?” I questioned as everyone in the shop suddenly booked it for the door.

A valid question. The last time the Earth moved under me wasn’t because the guy I was banging at the time was any good but because some idiot without a license to operate heavy machinery struck a utility pipe while doing construction.

Leo pursed his lips as he waited for our clients to stop fighting over who would exit first. “You forgot the third possibility.”

I hadn’t. I had purposely chosen to not mention giant tunnelling worms. That was my boss’s obsession, not mine.

My client, Bruno, won the battle at the door and skedaddled first, followed by Marie—another regular—who didn’t seem to notice or care she’d emerged topless. Then again, someone who wanted tattoos on her breasts intended to show them off.

Outside the shop, people filled the streets as they evacuated businesses and homes before any collapsed. Many faces wore looks of fear, but some held curiosity. A cacophony filled the air comprised of the rattling structures, rocking cars, and heavily vibrating signs. Underlying that was another sound that kind of reminded me of a train roaring by. It caused the same booming effect, only we had no rails nearby.

The purple-haired Kalypso, who answered our phones and acted as our receptionist, held out her arms and slightly bent her knees, squealing, “Ride the wave! Whoo!”

An avid surfer, I never understood why she chose to settle in Terrace, British Columbia where the closest place to toss down a board required a more than twenty-hour drive to Tofino.

“Those idiots in parliament finally started a war. We’ve been bombed!” someone yelled a few paces from me while pointing across the way.

A glance in the indicated direction showed a billowing cloud of black smoke in the distance.

Leo leaned close to murmur, “That’s not a bomb. The Tseax Cone erupted.”

My brow furrowed. “Can’t be. They’ve been saying for ages that volcano was dead.”

“Guess they were wrong.”

My boss might have figured it out first, but it didn’t take long before others realized what happened and panic ignited.

It started with one person screaming, “We’re going to die. Run for your lives.”

Then another yodeled, “The end is nigh.”

In seconds, the stampede commenced.

Having never been one to sheepishly follow the herd, I shifted so my back pressed against the tattoo shop. It seemed safer than getting tangled in the mob moving in a dense wave on the street. I’d been to concerts where that kind of thing ended up badly—a.k.a. trampled. I preferred to not get trod upon. At least the ground had stopped shaking. However, the ominous dark cloud in the distance grew and spread.

A nicotine addict, Leo pulled out a cigarette—the home-rolled kind with a little something green added to the tobacco—and took a long pull before drawling, “Damn. Never thought I’d see Tseax erupt.”

“Me either.” I frowned. “I thought it was supposed to be dormant.” I’d lived in the area my whole life and while the local Nisga’a tribes told stories about the last time Tseax erupted a few hundred years ago, it had been considered a rare thing unlikely to happen again.

“Mother nature loves to fuck with know-it-all scientists,” Leo stated, puffing away.

The lack of shaking didn’t improve the hysteria level infesting people. Cars revved and tires screeched as they tried to speed away only to have to scream to a stop because people were jaywalking on the road. The chaotic desperation caused instant gridlock.

“Doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere soon,” I stated while glancing at Leo.

“Nope.” He offered me a drag from his medicinal cigarette.

Why not? I took a long pull and exhaled before saying, “Think we need to worry?”

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