Page 94 of Better Late Than Never

“It’s like herpes, except in your head with IEDs.”

Alex snorted. “Okay, it’s probably time to go back to sleep.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

He stroked my cheek, and his tone was more serious. “You think you’ll be able to sleep?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“I mean… as sure as I ever am. Go to sleep, baby.”

He grunted softly and kissed the top of my head. He knew what I meant—when the dreams were this bad, there were usually more if I could get back to sleep at all.

“Go to sleep,” I said again. “Hopefully I won’t wake you up again.”

“If you do, it’s okay. I know how it goes.”

And a moment later, he’d fallen into that slow, steady breathing that meant he was asleep. Typical military—could fall asleep any time, any place, in about thirty seconds flat. I had that same superpower… usually.

Tonight, I just lay there and listened to him breathe over the hum and rattle of the room’s air conditioner. I closed my eyes and held on to him, savoring the comfort and the closeness of being in his arms.

The nightmare had been rough, but the rest of it? Showering, cuddling, and talking with Alex? That hadalmostbeen worth revisiting one of the worst days of my life.

I had never realized before I met him how much I’d needed this. Not just someone who could handle my nightmares, but someone who empathized because he’d been there too. I wouldn’t wish PTSD on anyone, but damn if there wasn’t something incredibly comforting about the warmth and understanding that came from someone whoknewwhat I was seeing and feeling when the demons paid me a visit. Something about being able to tremble and catch my breath beside someone who knew just how horrible those dreams could really get. Howrealthey could get and how awful the reality that spawned them had truly been.

My ex-wife had always done the best she could on nights like this. She’d hold me close, stroke my hair, and talk me down until my heartrate was closer to normal and my breathing had slowed. She’d never given me a second of grief the times I’d screamed or cried. For all the problems we had, I’d never stop being grateful for the nights she’d eased me back to earth after my past had visited my dreams.

But the more nights I spent beside Alex, the more I realized there was something to be said for being with someone whoknew. Whounderstood. Aimee had done the best she could, and I didn’t hold anything against her.

But Alex? He was a godsend. It was like the difference between telling a therapist about what I’d seen and talking to a fellow veteran. The therapist might have more ideas about solutions, but the veteran understood on a visceral level what no one who hadn’t been there could ever grasp.

I hadn’t realized how badly I’d been needing that. How badly I’d needed someone to say, “I get it. It’s not just you.”

No wonder the nightmares had been harder to deal with by myself recently. The comfort I found in his arms made the nights apart harder than all the ones I’d spent alone between my separation and the first time Alex had slept over.

I sighed as I listened to him breathe. I knew damn well I was getting too close to him. That whatever lines we’d drawn between traveling fuck buddies and boyfriends had blurred beyond recognition.

None of that changed our situation. Icouldn’thave him the way I realized I so, so desperately wanted him.

But tonight, I had him.

Tonight, I let myself feel all the things that were too dangerous to feel for someone I couldn’t have.

Tonight, I let myself love him.

CHAPTER30

ALEX

We slept in that morning. I was awake before Connor, and I very carefully moved as little as possible so I wouldn’t disturb him. I had no idea how much sleep he’d managed last night, so I wanted to let him doze as long as he needed to.

As slowly and quietly as I could, I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom to take a leak, then joined him again. He didn’t stir once.

While he slept, I lay back on the pillows and scrolled social media on my phone. A few coworkers had started a group chat to plan my chief’s upcoming retirement party, and it felt so weird to casually talk to them as if I wasn’t lying naked beside Lieutenant Commander Marks. None of us were particularly close, but if they knew where I was and who I was with…

What they don’t know won’t hurt us.

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