Page 92 of Better Late Than Never

Alex nodded. “Do you want to go back to bed?”

“Yeah. Might as well not hog all the hot water in the hotel.”

He gave a tired but genuine laugh that did more to bring me back to earth than anything else had.

Oh my God, you’re beautiful.

Somehow, I didn’t let those words come tumbling out or let my stupid face give me away. We got out of the shower and returned to bed, this time taking the other bed since the sheets were sweaty. As soon as we were under the covers in the darkness, Alex gathered me in his arms, and we lay like that for a long time.

He ran his hand up my back. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

He stroked a gentle hand over my shoulder and down my arm. “Did something trigger the nightmare? Or was it just random?”

“I think it was just random. I don’t…” I thought about it for a moment. “I can’t think of anything that might’ve set it off. We’ve talked about that—how sometimes it doesn’t need a trigger.”

“Oh, I know. I had a whole night full of flashbacks after the command’s Christmas party one year. Still have no idea why, but that was a rough night.”

As much as I didn’t want to imagine him going through an ordeal that awful—the original traumaorthe subsequent nightmares—it eased something in me to be reassured that he understood. Like maybe I wasn’t doing this wrong, as if there was any right way to have PTSD.

I hadn’t wanted to talk about my dream, but the words came anyway. “During my first tour, we were called out to a convoy that had hit an IED. I remember this one Marine—he was alive, but he was bleeding from everywhere. Just… everywhere.”

“Shit,” Alex whispered, and he held me a little closer.

I closed my eyes. “I had a tourniquet on him, and I’d gone through every QuikClot in my kit already. One of the other corpsmen had gone to get more, and he was getting some blood because this kid needed a transfusion.” I shivered as a chill went through me. “And that’s when the mortar hit us.”

Alex stiffened beside me.

I swallowed. “I don’t remember much after that. I woke up on a Medevac, drugged out of my head and completely disoriented. But… when I dream about it…”

His hand traced over my shoulder. “You remember?”

“I… think so? Like I don’t know if it’s an actual memory, or if my mind is just filling in the gaps. It’s always a little different, and it’s…” Cold water trickled through my veins. “It’s fucking terrifying every time.”

“I believe that,” he whispered, and I thought he might’ve shuddered. Or maybe he was just getting comfortable.

“What Idoremember,” I went on, “was waking up in the hospital in Germany. I’d… They said I’d been awake a few times on the way back to base and on the flight out, but I was on a lot of drugs and I was concussed, so…” I shrugged.

“Holy shit. How bad were you hurt?”

“I was cut up pretty bad. I think I had almost a hundred stitches, all told?”

Alex whistled. “Wow.”

“I also broke my collarbone and fractured three ribs, which was why I was in so damn much pain. Between those and all the bruises…”

“Yeah, that sounds like the aftermath of an explosion.” He shuddered and pulled me even closer. “I’m glad you’re okay now.”

“I’m lucky, in all honesty. The bruises and fractures healed. So did all the lacerations. The concussion was bad, but I haven’t had a lot of long-term problems from TBI. I had some balance issues there for a while, and I even had a little trouble speaking for a year or two. Like I’d stumble over or forget a word. But all things considered, I made a full recovery.”

“You’re very lucky.” He kissed my temple. “I know a lot of people who weren’t.”

“Me too.”

“Did you ever—” He tensed. “I… never mind.”

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