Page 62 of Better Late Than Never

Alex tensed. “We… We can?”

“Sure.” I clasped his hand gently between us. “As long as we’re discreet and we’re not stupid about it—there’s no reason we can’t do it without getting caught.”

Alex searched my eyes uncertainly. “Do you think weshould?”

“No. But somehow I don’t think that’s going to change anything.”

Chewing his lip, he studied me, the uncertainty still etched all over his face.

“Being here like this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” I traced my fingertips along the shaved side of his head. “But I just can’t convince myself it’s wrong. Or that I don’t want to do it again”

He exhaled. “Yeah, I… I can list every reason why this is a supremely bad idea. And I thought about all of them on the train ride up here.” He shook his head. “But I couldn’t talk myself out of it.”

“Same.” I laughed softly. “And that’s a long train ride for second thoughts.”

Alex nodded. “I know, right? I figured if I hadn’t convinced myself not to go through with it after four hours on a train, then…” He half-shrugged. “Does that make me stupid?”

“Well, if it does, then I’m not really in any position to judge. I did the same four-hour second-thoughts train ride, and I’m the one who suggested this in the first place, so…” I half-shrugged. “Yeah, not going to throw stones.”

He grinned, but it faded a little. “Okay, so we can skip the part where we try to talk ourselves out of this because it’s a lost cause.”

“You want to do this, then? Going forward?”

“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “I know why it’s a bad idea. I know why it’s a fucking terrible idea. But I just…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

I wasn’t sure what to say.

Before I could think of something, he whispered, “When we were in bed the first time, you asked how long it had been since I’d slept with someone else.”

I winced. “I was just curious. I don’t mean to pry into?—”

“No, no, it’s okay.” He looked in my eyes. “The truth is that I was with someone the weekend before.” He swallowed. “And the whole reason I was with him that night was because I couldn’t getyouout of my mind.”

My lips parted. “Really?”

“Yeah. I… I have no idea what’s going on here. Or why my professional self-preservation goes out the window whenever I consider what we should do or what I want us to do. I just know I can’t stop thinking about you, and it’s only gotten worse since we hooked up the first time.” Alex pushed out a breath. “And it’s not just because you’re someone I shouldn’t be with. That’s not how I roll.”

Fuck. And I thought I’d been speechless before.

Somehow, I found my voice. “It’s… That’s not how I roll either. When I was a kid, maybe, but as an adult…”

I squeezed his hand between us. “I think we can both trust each other to keep this discreet.”

“Definitely. I mean, I don’t think mutually assured destruction is the healthiest way to?—”

I barked a laugh. “Oh, fuck. No, that’s not what I meant. I meant that we’re both motivated to keep it out of anyone else’s sight, so we can trust each other not to let something slip.”

“True. True. I’m a steel trap with stuff like this.” He snorted. “Comes with the territory of being in the closet this long.”

“Wait, you’re not out?”

Alex shook his head. “Not really, no. I haven’t had a—” He hesitated. “Well, I did get involved with someone for a while. Longer than I should have, really. And it was ugly and awful and—” He waved his hand. “Anyway, even that wasn’t what I’d call a real relationship.”

Curiosity burned hot in me, but this seemed like a card I should let him lay down on his own time, so I let it go. “And there hasn’t been anyone else?”

“No. I haven’t been in anything I’d consider an actual relationship the whole time I’ve been enlisted, so I never bring guys to the Navy Ball or command functions or anything. I’ve never come out.” He gave a small shrug. “I know it’s accepted now, but I still remember the DADT days.”

“Shit,” I breathed. “That’s a long time to be on your own.”

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