Page 48 of Better Late Than Never

Though… my years of youthful immortality had very little to do with the aches and stiffness I was feeling today.

Annnd there went my brain, right back to the place it had been all fucking day.

“Get a grip,” I muttered to myself as I continued to the room where my next patient was waiting.

Throughout the day, I was such a mental trainwreck that I seriously considered seeing if Alex wanted to hook up again, consequences be damned. We could be discreet. We could be smart about it. As long as we didn’t get caught, who cared?

It also occurred to me around the time I was sitting down to lunch that we wouldn’t automatically get busted if we were seen together. If we were making out or getting handsy or something, sure. But if we were just talking in the hall or even out in public—the Navy couldn’t prove that was an “overly familiar” relationship.

The UCMJ was clear about fraternization between officers and enlisted, but the water could get a little murky when it came time to prove the fraternization was actually a problem. A violation of the custom of officers and enlisted staying apart? Yes. Knowingly disobeying a lawful order? Yes.

There was also, however, a part of the statute that required the prosecution to prove that the fraternization brought discredit on the Navy or was not prejudicial to good order and discipline. Alex and I weren’t in the same chain of command. We were under the same commanding officer, yes, and part of the same command, but we were in different departments. He wasn’t my subordinate. We could fuck each other senseless during our off time, and it would never have any impact on our jobs.

And if we weren’t doing anything out in public or at work, then there was nothing to bring discredit on the Navy.

But I was just gaslighting myself if I thought any of that would keep us from losing our careers and benefits. There was no way in hell our courts-martial would land in front of judges who would decide,“Nah, these two banging when they’re off the clock isn’t hurting anyone or making the Navy look bad. We’ll let it slide.”Never in a million years. It wouldn’t happen with a straight couple, and it sure as shit wouldn’t with a same-sex one.

Absolute best-case scenario? The Navy would force me to retire with my full benefits because that was less headache than prosecuting me when I was already eligible for retirement. I’d seen plenty of people force-retired for offenses that would’ve had them hemmed up to hell and back if they’d still had a few years left.

Alex wouldn’t be so lucky. He could go to Captain’s Mast, get stripped down to E-5, and then booted out because of high-year tenure; an E-5 had to make E-6 by a certain point in their career, and though I didn’t know all the particulars of Alex’s career, I was pretty sure he was past that point. They could kick him out as an E-5, and while hemightkeep his VA benefits if the CO was feeling generous, he’d lose his pension.

If we got caught, Imightget lucky and escape somewhat unscathed, but no matter what, Alex would be fucked.

And that was thebest-case scenario.

The thought sobered me right up. Yes, I wanted him, but the last thing in the world I wanted was to be the reason he lost everything he’d worked so hard for.

Footsteps jarred me out of my thoughts, and I looked up just as HM2 Anderson came into my office, a stack of folders in her hand. She paused and tilted her head. “You all right, sir?”

No, I wasn’t, but the “sir” at the end of her question was a stark reminder of why I couldn’t confide in her or even admit that I was struggling today.

Officer. Enlisted. Couldn’t be too familiar. Couldn’t be too friendly.

Couldn’t fraternize.

“I’m fine, HM2.” I smiled despite my somersaulting stomach. “Just tired from the weekend.”

“I know that feeling.” She handed over the stack of charts. “I just need you to sign off on some things when you have a chance.”

I glanced at them; mostly prescription renewals, which required more brainpower than I currently possessed, but I’d find a way. “Thanks, HM2. I’ll get them done by EOD.”

She nodded and left my office again. As soon as I was alone, I dropped my military bearing. I slouched back in my chair and swore into the silence.

I should’ve felt a million times better after finally getting laid.

But all I could think about was the man I couldn’t have, and I was a goddamned mess.

CHAPTER14

ALEX

Real lifeneverlived up to fantasy. The real thing wasalwaysa letdown from the fantasy.Always.

When I’d accepted Connor’s invitation to come inside after driving him home, I’d reminded myself of that. I’d told myself that hooking up with him was exactly what I needed to get my mind back on the rails. Give in to that attraction, indulge in the sex I’d been fantasizing about, and then walk away and move on. Once I broke through what I’d imagined it would be like and experienced the real thing, I wouldn’t be so hung up on that unrealistic mental porno I hadn’t been able to shut off.

Yeah.

About that.

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