Page 136 of Better Late Than Never

I avoided his gaze. A bitter remark of“well, at least I’m useful”wanted to fall off my tongue, but I held it back. He didn’t mean it like that, and he didn’t deserve me lashing out at him. Not even if it would speed this process along so I could get on with getting over him.

“Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” he said softly, “but I’ve been having an amazing time with you. Not just in bed, but traveling around. Or when you’ve been able to come to my place, hanging out in the pool or the cabana. Yeah, I’d love for us to be able to go out publicly without anyone noticing or caring, but there’s nothing I can do about that. What we can do in the meantime—that’s been more than enough for me. Even since we’ve had to start being more careful after the captain’s warning.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. Especially because I really, really wanted to believe him, but deep down… Ididn’tbelieve him. Or at least, I didn’t believe everything we did would be enough a couple of months or a year and a half down the line.

“All the precautions we have to take,” I whispered. “It’s going to be over a year before we can stop any of that.” I made myself look in his beautiful dark eyes. “Probably longer so no one realizes we were involved with each other before I retired.AndI’ll be back in the U.S. while you stay here.” I had to fight hard to swallow. “How long do you really want to sign up for this shit?”

“As long as it takes,” he said without hesitation. “This isn’t a fling for me, Alex.”

The words brought me up short.

Him too, apparently, because he tensed a little as some color rose in his face, as if he’d shown a card he hadn’t intended. “I… maybe that’s what it is for you. Maybe that’s what we set out to have in the beginning. But… it isn’t like that for me. Not anymore.” He squared his shoulders. “I don’t want this until we get tired of keeping it a secret. I want this. I wantyou. Full stop.

I dropped my gaze so he wouldn’t see me blinking away these sudden stupid tears. “Why, though? That’s what I don’t get.” Fuck it—I swiped at my eyes, then met his and stopped caring if he noticed all the emotions I couldn’t hide. “I’m just some almost-forty corpsman who’s never had a decent relationship, never been worth anyone’s effort, and doesn’t know what the hell he’s going to do when he retires.” I threw up my hands and admittedly sounded a bit pathetic as I whispered, “I don’t get the appeal.”

Connor laughed softly, though I didn’t get the impression he was laughingatme. More like I’d said something absurd and he couldn’t get his head around it. “Alex. Jesus. I…” He raked a hand through his hair and sighed. “Obviously when you look in the mirror, you see a very different person than I do.”

I stated at him. “What?”

He shook his head and stepped a little closer. Then he reached for my hand, and I tried not to choke on my emotions as he laced our fingers together. I should’ve pulled away—should’ve kept the lines clear—but his touch felt too damn good to let go.

Connor was quiet for a moment. Then he looked me right in the eyes. “Listen, I loved my ex-wife. I did. And I tried to make it work with her.”

I nodded along, not sure where he was going with this. What did his ex-wife or his marriage have to do with this?

He took a deep breath. “At the end of the day, she and I got married because we had to. If not for our son, I highly doubt we ever would’ve gotten married. But I still loved her, you know? I was still in love with her, and I still thought what she and I had was what every couple had, even if we sped things along because of the baby.”

I swallowed, still confused. “O… kay?”

“The way I felt about her and the relationship we had—I always wondered in the back of my mind, ‘that’s it?That’s what people fall all over themselves for?’ I felt guilty for that, and I felt like a failure because I’d married my high school sweetheart but wasn’t as happy as I should’ve been. I just always thought there was something missing.” He glanced down at our hands, then back up at me, and his voice came out a little shakier. “Turns out I was right to question it all, because I never knew what it meant to be in love with someone until you.”

My breath stuttered.

“You’re not a placeholder for someone I haven’t met yet.” He squeezed my hand. “You’re not a novelty because you’re the first man I’ve ever touched. You’re worth everything I’m risking and all the effort and then some, because I have never felt this way about another human being in my life.”

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even breathe, but even if I could, I had no idea what to say. Of all the things he could’ve told me when we faced off like this, that was the last thing I’d expected.

“My sons figured out I was seeing someone because they saw the look on my face when I was texting you,” he continued. “They told me they were glad to see me happy again because they’d always worried I was unhappy with their mom.” His shoulders fell as he looked right in my eyes. “Doesn’t that tell you something? When my sons suss out that I’ve got someone, and they realize I’m happier than I ever was when I was married?”

“They… They really picked up on…”

“Yes,” he whispered. “And like, you’re worried you’re not worth it?” He shook his head. “The thing is, I married my ex-wife because I had to. I loved her, but never like this. With you, there’s every reason to stay away and onlyonereason I can’t do that—because I love you too damn much to let go.”

I closed my eyes, not even caring that I squeezed a couple of tears free.

“I mean it.” He let go of my hand, and then I was in his arms, feeling like I couldn’t breathe but also that I couldfinallybreathe as I leaned into him. Stroking my hair, he whispered, “I don’t know why anyone would ever make you think you’re not worth the effort.” He kissed my cheek. “Because I would keep doing this discreetly for a hell of a lot longer than a year a half if that’s what it took to be with you.”

“Fuck,” I breathed. “Connor…”

“If you don’t want this,” he went on, still holding me tight, “then say the word, and I’ll back off. I won’t?—”

“I do want you. I…” I drew back a little, and when he released me, I met his eyes. “I’ve never been in love before. But my God, I am now.”

His eyebrows rose. “You are?”

I nodded as I tried to collect my emotions. “Maybe that’s what scares me so bad. Being this… I don’t know, feeling this much for someone—it’s terrifying.”

“Yeah, it is. But it isn’t like we have to lock anything down or make any commitments.” He caressed my cheek. “All I want is to be with you. The rest can shake out over time.”

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