Page 100 of Better Late Than Never

And then there were the conversations. Like the one we’d had while we’d settled onto the train. I felt weirdly guilty about not showing him all my cards about coming out and finding a partner. I’d never thought twice about keeping them hidden from fuck buddies in the past, but for some reason, it didn’t seem right to keep this close to the vest now.

It felt weird, admitting to things I didn’t want him or anyone else to now about me. Like I’d shown him how utterly pathetic I was when it came to men.

Hell, maybe that was why I’d gone ahead and told him—because with as much time as Connor was spending with me, with as much as he was risking for the dubious honor of my company, he deserved to know.

Then again, he probably did know. It just didn’t matter because for all I had stupid, ridiculous feelings, thiswasnothing more than sex, traveling, and sometimes hanging out. He wasn’t looking at this with any long-term thoughts in mind—just scratching that horny itch and finding his sea legs in bed with a man. He’d probably figured out from the start what other men always did—that I might be worth the effort for orgasms and someone to talk to, but that was about it. I wasn’t boyfriend material. I wasn’t someone people wanted for anything more than sex or company, and even those only lasted until someone better came along.

He was satisfied with what he was getting from me, but I was kidding myself if I thought I was his Mr. Right. I was Mr. Right Now for a lonely, newly divorced man who was exploring his sexuality and a foreign country. When the time came and he wanted to settle down, Connor could definitely do better.

I shifted my gaze from the passing scenery to the man sleeping across from me.

Yeah, Connor could dowaybetter than me.

But the longer we did this, the more I struggled to imagine finding a man who was better than him.

* * *

We got off the train in El Puerto and headed to the parking lot. We’d driven in separately, but we’d parked near each other, and we walked down the row of cars gleaming in the blazing sun.

When we reached mine, I stopped, and after I’d put my things in the trunk, I turned to him. “Okay. Well. I guess I’ll see you… whenever I see you?”

Why was I so fucking disappointed that we were going our separate ways?

Connor cocked his head. “You’re not coming back to my place?”

“I…” Oh. Wait. Was I? “I mean… Do you want me to?”

He raised his eyebrows. “I seem to recall promising to fuck you into the mattress tonight.”

Shivering, I bit my lip. “You did, didn’t you?”

“Uh-huh.” He adjusted his backpack on his shoulder as he glanced around. “You know.” He swallowed hard, then met my gaze. “I don’tjustwant you to come over to fuck. I’ve had a good time this weekend, and, I mean, that doesn’t have to end right now.”

Why was I so relieved by that?

But I just smiled. “Okay. I’ll meet you at your place.”

I did, and we spent the rest of the day relaxing in his blissfully cool house. He fucked me exactly as hard as he’d promised, nearly driving me to tears with the force of my orgasm. Then we showered and cuddled in bed for a while. Even afterward, he didn’t try to herd me toward the door or hint thatnowour weekend was over. When we started getting hungry, he ordered takeout from our favorite kebab restaurant, and we ate outside by his pool. And finally, long after the sun had gone down, we climbed into his bed. No sex. Noexpectationof sex. Nothing more than some lazy kissing, and he seemed just as happy with that as I was.

He fell asleep first, and I lay there for the longest time, just drinking in this comfortable stillness with Connor breathing softly beside me.

How was I going to get used to the next guy? To the usual routine of fooling around and then parting ways for the night? Because I wasn’t going to be sleeping over like I did with Connor. It had been hard enough to move on after Tobias. He’d left me feeling worthless, gross, and unlovable. Connor? He’d be a tough act to follow because he’d raised the bar so damn high.

Well, I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. Maybe I’d hit up Isidoro again. He and I had pretty much had sex on demand from the beginning; if one of us was feeling horny or was just bored on a Friday night, the other was usually game. I could go a couple of weeks or even longer without feeling that itch for a man’s touch.

I cuddled closer to Connor just because I could.

I hadn’t had this with Isidoro. I hadn’t had it with Tobias. I hadn’t had it withanyone.

This thing I had with Connor was different from anything I’d had with anyone else. Maybe because on those nights when I was keenly aware of his absence beside me, there was nothing I could do. We could text. We could FaceTime. But I couldn’t have him next to me—not for sex and not for sleeping.

And when Ididhave him beside me, even when neither of us was in the mood for anythingcaliente, the whole world felt right.

Was this what it felt like to fall for someone?

Probably. That would be just my luck, wouldn’t it? The first time I let myself catch the feels for someone, it would be someone I absolutely could not have under any circumstances.

I kissed his temple and ran my fingers along his shoulder.

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