Page 98 of Shift Change

The doorbell rang, and Harpy got up. “Be right back.”

The voices I heard were unmistakable, and I didn’t know whether to run or wait around to kill Harpy first. While I tried to decide, the boys walked in single file, and I couldn’t help thinking they looked like they’d come to a funeral.

Gabe, Brody, and Packy spent a moment staring at me. Eventually, Gabe said, “We’re here for you, Dog, and we’ll figure this out.”

33

holky

A glanceat the clock told me I’d been staring at this bowl of soup for over an hour. I hadn’t wanted it when I took it out of the freezer, but since I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday, I thought I’d try to get something down. It was no use, especially since the soup had cooled into a coagulated glop even a dog wouldn’t eat.

“Fucking shit.” I felt no better than I had this morning. Hell, I felt worse. I’d always held everyone at a distance, keeping things short and sweet with women and only allowing teammates to know Holky instead of Nate.

Goddammit. I sounded like I had split personalities, but I didn’t. Dr. Goodman said I had a defense mechanism, a way to keep people from getting too close. I should have used it with Chuck. We could have had a lot of fun being buddies, and he’d probably be sitting here right now, cracking jokes. If I’d played things differently, we might even be deciding whether to spend the night in bed together or go pick up women.

That would have been different. In college, I’d shared a girl with a buddy a few times. It was only two guys having sex with the same woman; there had never been any man-on-man contact or question marks. But things might have been different with Chuck. It could’ve been hot as hell if we hadn’t…

God, what am I thinking?Looking back, I never even thought about women after I met Chuck. I was fascinated with him at first, but it didn’t take long for it to become more. When I had Chuck, I didn’t want anyone else.

For the thousandth time since he left, a knife twisted in my chest.I will never want anyone else.

Swearing under my breath, I dumped the cold soup into the trash and stuck the bowl in the dishwasher—my big accomplishment for the day. After that, I stared into space, asking myself over and over what the hell I’d done.

Except I knew already. I hadn’t answered Chuck when he asked if I’d talked to Dr. Goodman, but the truth was, we’d gone over this exact spiral more than once. “You don’t have to self-destruct just because someone loves you,” she’d said. “That isn’t noble. It’s fear in a costume.”

She reminded me of how much I loved Chuck and warned me that if I pushed him away, I’d spend the rest of my life chasing shadows of the happiness I threw out like garbage. And she told me I could never be happy until I stopped running every time I felt unworthy.“You can’t heal the part of yourself that believes you’re broken by breaking someone else.”

When I protested that I’d always ruined things with people, she looked me in the eye. “You don’t have to earn love by suffering. You only have to be brave enough to accept it.”

I hadn’t listened because I thought I was doing the right thing. Even now, as much as I wished I didn’t believe it, I kept telling myself I had to end it, that I loved Chuck too much not to protect him. No matter how gutted I felt, no amount of missing him could justify pulling him back into the carnage I knew would follow.

Last night, I’d hurt him, but that pain was nothing compared to what I’d have done if he stayed. The defective part of me would have eventually destroyed him, yet even then, he’d have blamed himself for leaving me. I would have been shattered. I was now, but at least this way, I was taking the hit alone.

The doorbell yanked me out of my thoughts, but I didn’t move until someone started pounding like they meant to break the damn thing down. It had to be Logan. I’d told Chuck to go over there, and now Logan was probably here to rip me a new one.

I stomped into the foyer, jerked the door open, and shouted, “Go away. I’m not in the mood.”

But Logan wasn’t alone. Riley and Abby were with him.

“Too fucking bad,” Logan said. “We have things to talk about.”

“The hell we do. I’m not talking to anyone.”

“Move your ass, or I move it for you.” Abby’s stare could’ve melted steel.

I stepped back and let them in.

34

mad dog

I’d listenedto Gabe say repeatedly that we’d figure things out, and when he got tired, Brody had started in.

“I’m not sure I need help figuring it out.” I stared at my hands while I wished Gabe, Brody, and Packy would vanish. “How do you even know thereisanything to figure out?”

The room went quiet while all three of them looked at Harpy.

He winced. “Don’t be mad, but I texted them and said we need to help. We’re your brothers, Dog. You shouldn’t deal with this alone.”

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