Page 73 of Shift Change

For a second, something bright and intense flared in his eyes, but it flickered out just as quickly, leaving behind a raw shine that told me he was barely keeping it together. He lifted his hands but didn’t seem to know what to do with them. After a second, he dropped them back to the table and turned them face up, then down again. It was almost as if he were searching for something to hold on to but couldn’t find it. Finally, he flattened his hands against the surface and splayed his fingers. “Things have changed between us.”

My heart froze. “They have? I mean, I know they have. Are you mad about it?”

“No. I’ve been confused, maybe distracted, but never mad.” He raised his head and looked into my eyes. “We should talk about it, though.”

“About what? We’re ROD friends, right? That explains it.” My words were as fast and uncertain as my thready pulse.

“No, it doesn’t.” He spoke slowly, keeping his voice low. “I’m not even sure there is such a thing as ROD friends. We made it up, but why? There were other words we could have used.”

My thoughts spiraled into questions urgently demanding answers, but I had none. Where the hell was he going with this? What “other words” was he talking about? If he was getting at what I thought he was, how did he feel about it? What did he expect me to say?

Needing to buy more time, I picked up my fork but couldn’t hold on to it. It sailed out of my hand and clattered to the floor. Fuck all. Before he got carried away, I needed to get my two cents in. “I’ve liked you since we met, and I like you more every day. I feel… well, this won’t make sense to you, but I feel like you’re a girl.”

“I’m what?” His eyes were bugging out of his head. “After what we did last night, if you seriously think I’m a girl, I need to show you an anatomy book.”

“You’re not a girl. I saidlikea girl.”

“I doubt anyone else who was at last night’s game would think so.”

“You’re getting it wrong, so listen to me.” My voice broke on the last word, and I struggled to keep myself together.

Chuck reached across the table and laid his hand over mine. “Like a girl,how?”

“The way I like you,” I said. He didn’t move, so I added, “Like I would a girl.”

He pulled his hand back and dragged it down his face. When he looked at me again, he was smiling, but it wasn’t his usual cocky grin. This one was soft, almost shy.

“I get it,” he said. “That’s how I feel too, but not exactly. No woman has ever made me feel the way you do, sexually or emotionally.” He paused for a long breath. “It’s the emotional part that’s huge for me. I mean, I’ve got a dick, so technically I could fuck anyone, but it wouldn’t be like this. The reason it’s so good with you is because of what we’ve built, the whole package.”

My brain nearly went offline as my thoughts smashed into each other, piling up like a traffic accident in the fog. Eventually, I managed to assemble a coherent sentence. “You’re what I’ve needed in my life for so long. You make things feel right—you makemefeel right. You help me see who I really am, and by some miracle, you still like that guy.”

“I don’t just like you, Nate. You’re everything I’ve been hoping for without even knowing it.”

We stared at each other while the heat kicked on; our eyes were still locked when it cycled off. Cars passed on the street outside, and wind whipped through the garden. I was afraid if we moved too fast, we might break the spell.

“There might be a problem,” he finally said.

My heart went into overdrive.We’re so close. Don’t let us screw this up.“What problem?”

“First, let me say this is not a problem for me. I’ve thought about it a lot, even when I wouldn’t admit it to myself. So it’s not a problem for me, but I’ll try to understand if it is for you.”

“What is it?”

“We’re both guys, sweets. And we’re both straight, or at least I always thought I was. I don’t know what to call myself now, but I can’t be as into you as I am if I’m totally straight. Benny Caldwell, my old coach at Mohegan, is bi. He was married to a woman, but she died, and now he’s married to a man.”

Was that it? Was I bi? Could someone be straight for twenty-six years and then one day realize out of the blue that they’re bi instead? Because it isn’t… You don’t justturnbi. If I’m bi now, I always was.

Chuck spoke again. “Last night, when I thought Messer had hurt you, I went berserk. I couldn’t think about anything except beating his fucking brains out. I was terrified that even if I killed him, I’d look up and not find you there. It took a few minutes, but that’s when I had to admit it, once and for all. I think I’m bi, but regardless, I’m crazy about you.”

In true Holky fashion, I almost laughed—not because anything was funny, but because Chuck had said exactly what I needed to hear. In an instant, everything made sense. Words poured through my head, and I told him how I felt.

I was halfway through my confession before I was able to look at him. He was watching me with a soft, expectant look on his face, like he was waiting for me to speak. It was then I realized I hadn’t said a damn word.

I gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry. I thought I was talking to you, but it turns out I was rambling in my own head.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Classic me.”

His lips twitched. “Are you feeling okay? About to faint?”

“No, I’m not going to faint. Listen, and you’ll learn how weird life can be.”

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