Page 36 of Shift Change

“No,” he said. “I thought we were… I don’t know. I’m confused. Weren’t you pissed off this morning because of what happened yesterday?”

“No. Were you?”

Instead of answering, he turned toward the window.

Good luck with that,I thought. The snow piling on the glass wouldn’t give him any answers.

His shoulders rose and fell with quick breaths that looked too shallow to do him any good. The snow on the glass was relentless, thick flakes sticking and swirling as if they were trying to bury the whole city.

“Fuck,” he said, spinning back to face me. His eyes were bright and restless. “I don’t know what the hell is happening. I’ve never felt like this before, never even thought about doing anything with a guy. And now…”

“Now what?” I asked.

He rubbed the back of his neck too hard. Was he trying to scrub away his unease? “Now all this shit is running through my head, and it won’t stop. I feel something with you. I don’t know what to call it, but it’s real, and it’s big, and it’s confusing me in ways I didn’t know were possible.”

My chest ached, but I didn’t know what to say that might calm him.

He huffed loudly. “If I do what I want to, there will be no going back. What will happen then? What if it fucks up the only good thing I’ve had in a long time? I just found you, and I don’t want to lose our friendship.” He gave me a pleading look. “I don’t want to loseyou.”

I stepped closer, still unsure of how to respond, but knowing I had to. Before I could talk myself out of it, I rested my hands on his arms. He flinched but didn’t pull away.

“I’m afraid too.” My voice was small and shaky, but at least the words came out. “I’ve never done anything with a guy either, but that isn’t why I’m scared. Look how happy Gabe and Brody are. Hell, they are so fucking far beyond happy. They’recontent. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have that with someone, because I’ve never come close.”

Dog’s body was shaking, and he swallowed hard. “Same.”

I should have shut up, but I couldn’t. “I’ve never known how to handle others emotionally. In our fucked-up society, people expect men to be that way with each other, but for me, it’s been even harder with women. I think I’ve playedHolky the Womanizerfor the guys because I want them to think I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t want pitying looks when they think I’m not paying attention, or half-hearted invites for holiday dinners because they feel bad for me. I don’t want them thinking I’m lonely, but Iam.”

His brow creased. “Are you?”

“Hell yes. I live alone, my friends are all loved up, and I pick up women mostly to prove I can. At least I’ll have someone for the night. But hooking up has never felt right, not really. I’m tired of it. So yes, I’m lonely.”

He nodded. “I can relate. A lot of what you said describes my life too.”

The moment stretched between us. If I said what I was thinking, I’d be stepping so far out on a limb it might snap underneath me. Still, I went for it because it was apparently time for true confessions. “When you came running into the locker room like a maniac and poured coffee all over me, I?—”

“Spilled. I didn’t pour it on you.” The glint of humor in his eyes gave me the courage to go on.

“Whatever. The point is, you walked in, and I felt different, like maybe things were about to get better. Yesterday, I felt something else. I wanted you. I don’t know what that means, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’m missing something, and you might be the key to helping me figure it out. I like you so much, and I… Fuck, Dog.I want you.”

“You know I’ve been feeling it too.”

“Yeah.”I took a deep breath.“There’s only one way to figure out what it all means.”

“True, but maybe we shouldn’t rush it. We don’t have to do anything today. Let’s hang out this week and keep getting to know each other. If we get our friendship on solid ground, maybe we’ll be safer.”

He gazed at the wall, but I could tell he wasn’t looking at the wallpaper. He was somewhere else, lost in what-ifs that obviously scared the shit out of him.

He spoke again, and his voice was softer. “Hell, maybe we’ll even decide it was all a dumb idea. That’s a possibility, right?” There was something raw in his expression, like he was begging himself to listen to his own words.

“If we end up doing something,” he went on, “it won’t be because we’re trying to scratch an itch. That’s what we’re both sick of, isn’t it?” He gave a helpless shrug, trying for casual but not pulling it off. “If we’re already friends, and it turns out this thing between us isn’t what we need, maybe we can still walk away with our friendship intact.”

Who knows what I’d expected when I came to Dog’s room, but it wasn’t a deep discussion. A hug, maybe. Jumping into bed? Or even a fight, since I’d been a total jerk earlier.

I was suspicious by nature, but although I’d rarely heard something and known immediately it was right, this made sense. “You’re right,” I said. “We shouldn’t be in a hurry because I need a friend, and I want it to be you.”

“Me too.” He glanced at the clock beside his bed, and I expected him to tell me to go back to my room. Instead, he gave me a smile that knocked me back on my heels. “It’s about three. Let’s lie down and rest for an hour.”

I blinked at him. “In here, you mean?Mein here?”

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