Page 101 of Shift Change

I clamped my hands on either side of my skull until I was sure my head wouldn’t explode. “I don’t know why you’re here because I don’t want to fucking talk. My life’s a goddamn train wreck, and I’m only trying to protect Chuck.”

“From what?” Riley asked. “Holky, are you in trouble?”

I dropped my hands into my lap and tried to breathe. My chest felt crushed, and if it hadn’t been happening every other minute since Chuck left, I might’ve thought I was having a heart attack.

I looked at Riley. “Not in the way you’re thinking, but I was born in trouble. I broke things off before I destroyed him.”

“Destroyed him?” Logan tilted his head and let several beats go by. “I know you, and you’re not cruel. What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I hurt people, drive them away. Whether I made Chuck leave or not, I’d have ended up alone. I thought it was better to cut things off now before I hurt him.”

Riley gaped at me. “You think youdidn’thurt him? Dog loves you, and from what I hear, he’s devastated.”

I tried to shift positions, but Abby had me pinned, so I gave a frustrated grunt. “Don’t put words in my mouth,” I said. “I know I hurt him, but believe me, better now than later.”

“You’ve hurt yourself too.” Logan made a show of looking me over. “Have you even showered today? You’re a damn mess, and you aren’t making any sense.”

They weren’t getting it, so I spoke slowly, trying to explain things the way I would to a three-year-old. “I know I hurt Chuck, but it was either now or later. It would’ve been much worse later, so I got it over with now. Yes, I am hurt, but I would have been either way.”

Abby looked at me like I was deranged. “You sound like idiot.”

Logan’s eyes went wide, and Riley—bastard that he was—clapped a hand over his mouth. When his shoulders started shaking, I was too shocked by his reaction to even call him a fucker.

As suddenly as his laughing fit had come over him, it stopped. “Sorry,” he said. “Nervous reaction, but it’s true. You do sound like an idiot.”

“Or a lunatic.” Logan leaned forward and braced his elbows on his knees. “The fuck, Holky? You’re throwing away the best thing in your life because you’re afraid you’ll hurt him?” He scowled, like he was trying to figure out a hard puzzle. “You broke up with Dog to protect him? From you?”

I crossed my arms across my chest, hoping that might hold me together. “You’re making it sound ridiculous.”

“Because itisridiculous,” Logan snapped. “You’re not some bad guy out to hurt Dog. You love him, and it’s changed both of you for the better. We’ve all seen it. So don’t sit there and give us a load of bullshit about how you’re trying to protect him, because I don’t think that’s true. You’re trying to protectyourself.”

I flinched so hard Abby grunted. He created a little more space on the loveseat, but I still didn’t have room to squirm. Wondering if I was giving away more than I should, I said, “I’m scared.”

“You think being afraid means you’re dangerous?” Riley’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle. “I hate to break it to you, bud, but everybody’s afraid of fucking things up, especially in a relationship. I’d be worried if you weren’t afraid.”

“Seriously,” Logan added. “You think we don’t all have ghosts? Remember the shitshow that went down with Gabe and Brody? Fuck almighty, what about Harpy and Luca? Or me, when Davey and I split? I messed up so badly I spent a year convinced I didn’t deserve to be with anyone.”

I would have banged my head against a wall if Abby hadn’t had me trapped. They weren’t fucking getting it, didn’t understand they were talking to a guy who’d spent his life bracing for the moment people left.

I buried my face in my hands and croaked out, “You don’t know what it’s like inside my head.”

“No,” Riley said, “but I live inside mine. It’s not exactly a beach resort.”

“You love Dog?” Abby asked.

I dropped my hands and stared at the coffee table, afraid if I spoke, I might break. “So much I don’t know how I’ll live without him.”

“Then stop treating him like he’s breakable,” Riley said. “He’s Mad Dog, and in case you haven’t noticed, the name fits.”

I raised my head, and Logan offered a hint of a smile. “He can take care of himself, Holky. He doesn’t need you to fall on a sword for him. He needs you to be real, and you do too.”

Abby bumped me again. “Is your chance, Holky. You’re in third period of your own love story, down one goal, five minutes to tie it up. What will you do?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and saw the same goddamn thing that had been haunting me since last night—Chuck’s face when I told him we were over. He’d slumped like I’d yanked the ground out from under him, and he looked a hundred years old when he left.

I did that to him.

It was time to admit Logan was right. I didn’t end things to save Chuck; I did it to protect myself. Then I dressed it up as a noble sacrifice and told myself letting him go was brave and selfless. Not by a long shot.

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