Page 20 of Beyond the Summer

The first thing I learned was that it was completely unsettling to listen to your ex-boyfriend give your crush permission to fuck you.

"Nah, I don't want to be with someone who isn't out."Ben's response to Parker's encouragement made my heart squeeze in a strange way."The whole pretending thing is too stressful for me.Besides, I'm not interested in guys who have no value other than sex.And Sutton is… I don't know, an entitled prick?"

"He definitely went to prep school."Parker sounded thrilled about dishing the gossip."He has those douchebag vibes.Now that I have Ravi, it's a little difficult to remember what I ever saw in Sutton."

My heart did something weird and fluttery, and, for no reason at all, I lost my grip on the water bottle in my hand.It went clattering to the floor, startling them to my presence.

Before anything more could happen, I stalked off, trying to erase Ben's words from my mind, not even bothering to pick up the water bottle.This fucking crush was becoming unbearable.Was that why they called them crushes?I suppose there was a cliché about that, too.

Straightening my shoulders, I decided I needed to get the fuck out of camp.The session break was around the corner, and I was going to drive as far as I needed to get some hot, no-strings-attached sex.Nothing quieted my mind faster than being stuffed full of a stranger's cock.

Besides, I shouldn't have been insulted by the conversation.I was an entitled prick.Or it was better if they thought of me like that, anyway.I walked to the end of the dock and considered jumping in, clothes and all.

Phone and all.What would the asshole do if I fried my phone?Stalk me to camp?

Or ruin Parker's life?

My stomach heaved, and I fought the urge to throw up as I carefully kicked off my sneakers and sat down on the edge of the wood planks, taking slow, steadying breaths.I skimmed my toes in the water, trying to center my thoughts on the cool sensation against my skin.

I was okay.Ben didn't need to like me.It was better that way.Better than daydreaming about snuggling him in the tent, and kissing him until he rethought his stance on waiting for the right person to have sex with.

So what if Ben had spent the entire backpacking trip reading to me every time my anxiety spiked?So what if he'd told me bedtime stories that set my body on fire?So what if I'd mistaken that for something other than what it was?Hell, he was probably happy he'd found a way to shut me up.I swirled my toes in the water, fighting an intense loneliness that threatened to overwhelm me.

Footsteps thumped on the dock behind me as someone approached, and I knew it was Ben without looking—his scuffed flip-flops and frayed jeans were as familiar to me as anything.I shouldn't be able to recognize a guy by his feet, but this was Ben.I knew all of Ben's details, down to the cute freckle on his right pinkie toe.

He said nothing as he settled beside me and sat there for the longest time, swinging his feet in the water, his elbow brushing lightly against mine.I wondered if my inability to provide a satisfactory answer was frustrating him, stopping him from speaking.

Or perhaps he'd listened to me when I'd asked him not to push.

"Why did you stop reading to me?"Why was that the question that spilled from my lips?

He didn't answer, and for a moment I wondered if he'd heard me."I didn't know you wanted me to keep going.It felt awkward once we got back to the cabin, and Parker and Ravi were there.We were out of our little bubble, and you stopped talking to me, and it threw me off.Made me question whether or not I knew you at all."He bumped my shoulder with his.

"So I'm not an entitled prick?"

To my surprise, Ben laughed."You kind of are.And sometimes, I'm able to convince myself that's some kind of armor you wear to protect yourself from whatever you're afraid of.Other times, you stop talking to me, and I'm not so sure.And you should know by now that sometimes I allow my anxiety to get the better of me."

"You have anxiety?"

He raised his eyebrows at me."You're kidding, right?Why do you think I spend all my time reading?Hint: it's because sometimes the book world is better than the real world.Things are set.I know there'll be a happy ending."

"Oh."Suddenly, a lot about Ben made more sense, and I wondered why I hadn't seen it before."I'm sorry I didn't know that."

"I have medication I take for it, so it's more manageable than it has been.The pills don't cure it, but they lessen it."

"I thought you were mad at me.And then you started avoiding me, and I heard you say that…" My voice broke before I could say that.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry I said those things.I know that's not you, and I feel like an asshole.I didn't know what to do when Parker offered…" Ben blushed, ducking his chin.

I shrugged."He wasn't wrong.When he said I'd be a good fuck."

Ben smirked at me."There's no way you want to fuck me.I'm self-aware enough to know that I always say exactly the wrong thing to you."

"No, you don't."I liked Ben's moments of random word vomit.When he was talking too much, I always knew where I stood with him.

He eyed me."Should I make a list?Let's see here, I yelled at whoever was on your phone."

"He deserved it."

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