Page 62 of Cool for the Summer

No time like right the fuck now.

TWENTY-SEVEN

DONOVAN

Pete

Everything looks good for our flights next week. You’re going to be there when we get home from the airport, I hope?

Van

I think so. I’ll let you know if my plans change.

Europe has been incredible, but I’m really looking forward to coming home.

Rosedale misses you.

I miss you, too, I guess.

I know you do, you big softie.

Six days!

Six days.Jack and Pete get back from the world’s most epic honeymoon in six days, and I have to face the reality of life after Rosedale.

I’ve put off figuring out what I’m doing next because that would mean summer is over, and this little domestic interlude finished. And that hurts more than I thought it would.

I wrote the last scene in my play this morning and left a message with Joan to call me. She’s setting up an audition for a series of commercials and I’m expecting the details any time. It’s not a play, but it’s a paycheck, if I get it. Maybe between that and my savings, I should bite the bullet and actually buy my own place. It’s about time I had a home of my own. It won’t be a spacious house, won’t have a big backyard or a private pool. But maybe I could get a dog to keep me company. Lots of people have dogs in the city.

There’s a life waiting for me back in New York. All I have to do is pack my things and say goodbye to Rosedale.

Which means saying goodbye to Beck.

I briefly consider that the city’s only about two hours away. It’s not that far for keeping up something long-distance. Hell, I’ll be coming up anyway to visit Pete and Jack from time to time.

But I know that’s not fair to Beck. He’s still looking for what Jack and Pete have, and a long-distance fuck buddy is probably not part of his plan.

So why do I feel sick to my stomach at the idea of never being with him again?

The front door slams and I hear my name being called from downstairs.

“Up here,” I call, and a moment later Beck’s at my door. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He looks oddly serious and for a second I’m terrified Cleo’s escaped or something happened with the Cookie Counter lease.

“What’s wrong?”

“Um. Nothing. Sort of.” He’s got splotches of color on his cheeks and my heart starts beating faster, as if my body’s going into flight or fight mode. “I just wanted to say that summer’s almost over. I mean, technically we have until the fall equinox, and the unofficial end of summer is Labor Day, so there’s still some summer left, but Jack and Pete get back in less than a week and that means you’ll be leaving so I want you to know that I have feelings for you, and I have since before we started fucking around and even though you say you don’t want a boyfriend, you kind of act like you want a boyfriend, like all the time, and so I thought I should let you know that I’d be your boyfriend. For real. If you want. So.”

My heart’s going triple time now as I listen to Beck’s nervous prattle and try to make sense of what he’s saying. He has feelings for me. He wants to be my… boyfriend. The idea is hard for me to imagine, let alone conceptualize.

“I don’t want a boyfriend,” I say. It’s my automatic response, the one I’ve programmed myself to believe for the past eight years.

“Have you been happy this summer?” Beck asks, ignoring my statement. “Have you enjoyed living here with me?”

“You know I have.” I can’t lie about that. “But that’s not the same thing.”

“We spend our days together, our nights, too. We take care of each other. We make each other laugh and we help each other when things get hard. We’ve been co-parenting a dog, for fuck’s sake. What else would you call this? Roommates-with-benefits? Roommates don’t make love the way we do, Donovan. I told myself it wasn’t there, because I didn’t want to get hurt, but it is there and I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. I don’t want you to lie to yourself anymore, either.”

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