Page 87 of Addicted

“I won’t,” Liam said automatically. He’d already caused Owen enough pain by pushing him away and then hiding an addiction. Liam was going to make up for that for the rest of his life. “I love him and I’m trying to be worthy of him.”

“Good.” Finn nodded his head, his sharp eyes clearing as if he liked Liam’s answer. They were distracted as Owen returned with another beer for Finn and enough brownies for everyone.

“I saved a few for when Marci gets here,” Owen announced with a quick smile at Finn.

“Wait.” Finn’s hand, which had been reaching for a brownie, stopped midway. “Marci’s stopping by?”

Both Liam and Owen nodded as one.

“Greeeeeaaaat,” Finn drawled sarcastically.

“You look fantastic!” Marci exclaimed as she gave Liam a long hug at the front door, swaying them back and forth with excitement. She was dressed casually in jeans and a cute pink shirt, her hair in its usual ponytail, which bobbed around during the hug, swishing Liam in the face.

“Thank you.” Liam swept his hand behind him. “Come in. Owen made brownies. Finn left a few minutes ago.”

“Awww, I’m bummed,” Marci grinned, entering the condo. “This place is gorgeous!” She gave Owen a quick hug and made herself comfortable on the sofa, accepting a snack and a can of soda.

“I have to make some calls, you two behave all right?” Owen grinned, chucking Liam under the chin before heading toward the bedroom. Although Liam wanted him to stay, he knew he had to talk to Marci alone for a little while and appreciated that Owen knew what he wanted or needed before he said a word.

“So, how are things?” Marci bit into the brownie and hummed but her eyes were fixed on Liam, who shrugged.

“Good. It’s just a lot. You know?”

“I heard you’re working hard.” She gestured at the stack of self-help books on the end table, next to Liam’s laptop. He’d already read through the first two and had taken copious notes, trying to implement the tenets they laid down and diligently doing all the exercises. It was difficult but also rewarding, for he already felt like a different person, especially now that he was no longer in Vicodin’s grasp. The blast of positive feelings he’d gotten when he first took the pills was false, a trap that only heightened his grief and solitude, leading him down the path to addiction. He thought he’d been breathing air after drowning for so long but his addiction had really been pushing him down further, into darker waters. And now, for the first time since his parents died, he felt clear, hopeful, and had enough distance to realize that he’d needed help but had taken the wrong hand.

“I am. I didn’t think I’d like rehab but I do.” The picture he had in his head of sickly beige walls, flickering fluorescent lights, and patients locked in their rooms couldn’t be further from the truth. Owen had been a hero, helping Liam find a place that surpassed his wildest dreams. His therapist was kind but challenging and had assuaged Liam’s fears by saying upfront that she wasn’t going to make him forget his parents. She wanted to help him integrate their memories into his life and lighten the load of his grief. Even though he couldn’t draw he found art therapy cathartic; scribbling with crayons made him feel carefree like a child again, bringing him back to happier times. He was opening up more and more in group and had found two other patients who’d suffered similar loss and had also turned to drugs as a coping mechanism, which made Liam feel less alone. Plus, he’d gone on a group hike earlier that week. The crisp autumn air along with the beauty of the fall foliage healed something in Liam, closing the chasm more tightly by letting him know that the trees, clouds, and sky would always be there for him.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you getting better,” Marci told him, placing her hand over his. “I won’t lie. I was worried about you.”

“I know,” Liam confessed, twisting his hand so they could twine their fingers together. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t mean to, I was grieving.”

“Grieving?” Marci tilted her head, confused and Liam realized that she didn’t know. No one knew because he never told them. He’d thought there was no point to it and he couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Three years ago, my parents were killed in a car accident. Their front tire blew out in the rain and they spun off the road. My father died on impact, my mother was in a coma. She…” Liam swallowed. It was still difficult to explain but not as gut-wrenching as it used to be. The two weeks he’d spent on this healing journey were already taking effect. “She was brain dead and I had to make the decision to end her life.”

“Liam…” Tears shimmered in Marci’s eyes and she gathered him into a crushing hug. “I would say I’m sorry but I used to hate that.”

“You…what?” Liam spoke into her shoulder and she pulled back, still holding onto his arms, keeping them close.

“My little brother died when I was fourteen. Leukemia.” At Liam’s gasp, Marci nodded her head. “It’s all right. I still miss him and he’ll always be with me but I can’t stop my own life to mourn him, you know? He wouldn’t want that for me.”

For the first time since his parents’ death it hit Liam, really struck home, that his Mom and Dad wouldn’t want him living the way he had. They wouldn’t want him lonely and locked away in his grief, worshiping at the altar of his pain, hanging onto their memory and the unrealistic dim hope that they’d somehow come back. They would want him to be happy, successful, to live the life they never got to finish. The realization hurt a little, for he felt that he’d been letting them down, and his old self would have taken that as an opportunity to wallow further. But his new self decided to use it as a foundation, someplace to come back to when he was struggling.

“You remind me of Drew.” Marci squeezed Liam’s shoulders, her smile melancholy. “And I consider you family.”

“Marci…” Liam choked up, blinking as his vision went watery. “I’m not going to say I’m sorry either. Okay?”

She nodded, running her touch down Liam’s arms until she found his hands again, holding them both.

“And I’ve always thought of you as my big sister,” Liam confessed, enjoying how her eyes widened and her smile turned joyful. “You’re sure nosy like one!”

She raised an eyebrow. “Well, if you’d actually tell me things then I wouldn’t have to poke around!” They both chuckled but as it faded Marci’s face went sober, serious. “Liam, you’re not alone, okay? Everyone has loss, has had bad things happen, not just me and you. It might not seem like it from the outside but once you get to know people and allow them into your life, you find out.”

Liam thought about what Owen was going through, and what Marci had just revealed, and he had to admit that she was right. Liam had been selfish in his pain, isolating and holding back, not believing that he could be helped. But he wouldn’t make that mistake again.

“Why do you think I invited you to Bar None all the time?” Marci squeezed his hand. “Why Dylan was always stopping in to chat with you? Because we care about you, Liam. We wanted you to feel less alone. That’s why I’m so happy you have Owen.”

Liam was lucky he had people around who were patient enough to keep trying. Leaning in, he gave Marci another hug. “Thank you. You’ve done so much for me. More than you know.”

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