Page 42 of Addicted

“I don’t know.” Owen looked around at dark wooden walls covered with pictures of landscapes. His gaze fell on one of patchwork farmland laid out like a quilt. The green squares felt strangely soothing which was probably the point. “I have a different guilt when it comes to Liam because I wasn’t there for him.”

“Does your attraction to him stem from your guilt?”

“What? No!” Owen shook his head so emphatically that he felt a little dizzy. “My feelings for him were unexpected.”

Dr. Lawson nodded at Owen in a way that saidthere’s your answerand then glanced at his notes. “I’d like to address the fact that you feel like things are your fault and how that is creating guilt.”

“But thingsaremy fault.“ Owen’s eyebrows furrowed and he felt his forehead squeeze. “You know my story. If I hadn’t been such a coward about my sexuality then Sharon wouldn’t be putting Michael through this.”

“So, you’re responsible for her actions.”

“To a point, yes.”

“Owen, you are no more responsible for her actions than she is for yours.”

“B-But…” Owen rubbed his temples then got up to pace the room, stopping in front of a view of Mount Rainier. “If I had come out sooner, then the divorce would’ve-”

“There are no guarantees. Things might have been easier. They might have been harder. You might still be blaming yourself for everything since you have developed a pattern of thinking that is damaging you, which is one of the reasons you’re here, to improve your processing of these events.”

Owen tilted his head, trying to absorb Dr. Lawson’s words. It always seemed like so much, delving into his mind and cleaning up his thoughts. It took time after each session to fully process everything; in fact, Owen sometimes had insights from things that were said weeks ago, as if pieces of his brain were readjusting, moving slowly into place.

“Okay. So how do Inotfeel guilty?”

Dr. Lawson gave him a full smile now; it was warm like he was talking to an old friend. “You keep coming here every week. You do the exercises I give you. You practice them in real-life situations. In time, it will fade.”

Owen hoped that would happen sooner rather than later although he knew a lot of the guilt would vanish once he got Michael back.

But what about his feelings for Liam? He must have said it aloud because the smile slipped from Dr. Lawson’s face and he scratched his beard with his pen.

“We’ve discussed the real possibility of you not getting custody of Michael and needing to plan for that. For a life after it. This could be something that helps you move on or it could be something that complicates things. Only you can choose what you think is best. I’m not here to tell you what to do, only to guide you.”

Cringing at the thought of losing Michael for good, Owen blinked back tears, breathing deeply a few times, as Dr. Lawson had taught him. Could Liam be a rock for him, a lifeboat in the storm? Not if he was weathering his own storm.

“I think he has some problems to deal with. I’m trying to help him but…”

“Be careful. It’s very common to help other people with their issues in order to avoid your own.”

Owen’s cheeks puffed on a long exhale. “I know.”

“While he seems to be good for you, you’re correct in assessing that you are his superior, which might cause issues at your workplace. Is there anything in the handbook that prohibits employee relationships?”

Owen chuckled, echoing something Liam had said the first time he’d been in Owen’s office. “The Pointe isn’t really professional, it’s a work in progress. I don’t think John would care if I cut someone’s head off as long as the place ran smoothly.”

”Well, don’t do that.” The smile was back on Dr. Lawson’s face. “But there is a power dynamic at play.”

“I only want Liam to be happy,” Owen insisted.

“And that is a good thing, a very good thing. Especially if he wants the same for you.” His eyes flicked to the clock on the wall. “It looks like we’re nearing the end of our hour. How are you sleeping?”

“Poorly.” Owen scrubbed a hand over his face, fatigue heavy in his eye sockets. “I’m worried about court.”

“You have a terrific lawyer and you’re doing all that you can, correct?”

“Yes, but it might not be enough.” The deep pit in his stomach that he felt at the mention of losing Michael came back. Owen could busy himself with work but worry and despair caught up to him in the quiet moments as he lay in bed every night. He wasn’t ready to face losing his son.

“Do you need me to refer you to a psychiatrist for some sleep aids?” Dr. Lawson clicked his pen shut.

“No.” Owen shook his head, standing. “I don’t like pills. It’s too easy to get addicted.”

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