Page 113 of Feral Werewolves

“Stop,” I said. “You’re doing it again. The guilt, Paladin,allof you, theguilt.”

“But Clementine, I should have—”

“Who cares?” I threw up my hands. “It happened the way it happened. You can punish yourself forever, but it’ll never make it happen any differently. I still love you, and you still love me—”

“Yeah, but why? Neither of us even chose that shit.”

Now, I was hurt. “You said you did. You said that you would love me if I wasn’t a tithe, if I wasn’t awoman. You said—”

“I could not remember what I haddonewhen I said that.”

“So, it was a lie?” I looked down at my hands.

“Maybe all we do is lie to ourselves,” he said. “Maybe we can’t live with the truth, so we have to lie to ourselves.”

My stomach turned over. I felt ill. For the first time since coming out here, I wanted to leave.

The silence that settled over us felt like death.

Or… it did for a while, and then I started to hear the sounds of the night filtering in from outside, the sounds of insects and the wind in the trees. I wasn’t dead. We were all alive, and everything around us was alive, too.

“Okay, look,” he said suddenly. “Maybe it was a lie then, because maybeIwas a lie then. I wasn’t telling myself the truth about myself. But it’s not a lie now. I do love you. I would love you no matter what. I can’t make myself understand why I didn’t behave as if that love was as important to me as it is, though. I betrayed you, and I can’t forgive myself for that.”

I looked up at him.

“Lazarus wanted to go after you,” he said. “Kestrel, too.”

“But you’re the one whodidgo after me,” I said.

“No, I’m telling you, I went there without theintention—”

“But you’re the one who got me out of there. You’re the who ended it, all of it. You’re the one who overthrew Red, and you did it without even hurting anyone, Paladin. You did it with words.”

He sat up straight, stricken, simply staring at me.

“You think you’re ruthless, and maybe you are, but you didn’t kill anyone and you didn’t rape anyone. Intention matters, sure, but I think actions matter more.”

He thought that over. He bowed his head.

And then, we talked about resources, and we talked about leadership, and we came up with ideas for how to trade food for gasoline and how to distribute the government rations in ways that were fair and balanced.

We talked for hours, scribbling on pieces of paper and making lists and little flow charts when we were trying to explain to the other how this or that would work.

We both got excited, and we laughed and punched the air and grinned when we found solutions. At one point, I leaned over and kissed his cheek, and then I pulled away and we looked into each other’s eyes.

And then we kissed on the mouth.

And then I tackled him backwards onto the floor, and he just lay there, staring up at me as I straddled his body.

I ran my hand over his chest, like I’d done last night with Lazarus, up and down, each stroke of my hand going lower, until I touched his crotch.

But he was soft.

I didn’t care. I undid his pants and he let me and I took him out and started attempting to tease him stiff.

He watched me, his breath catching in his throat. “You sure this is what you want?” he breathed.

I nodded, one quick, brisk nod.

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