Page 102 of Winning Brynn

Girls are taught to be soft, whereas boys are taught to be brave.

We’re taught to be nurturers, whereas boys are taught to be adventurers.

But we’re so much more than that.

Women are soft, nurturing, patient, compassionate, and caring. But we’re also bold, and brave, and fucking ferocious.

And yes, I want to be a mom, but that’s a decision I made myself. Not because the world told me that’s how I should feel. And it doesn’t make Issy any less of a woman just because she doesn’t feel the same.

“Society loves to make us believe that having children is all we’re good for, but it’s not true. We’re so much more than just a womb, you know? So, no, I don’t judge you for deciding that motherhood isn’t for you, but I am struggling with the way you went about it.”

“Thank you.” Her fingers curl around mine as she nods in understanding.

I drop her hand as I brace myself to ask my next question. "Did you know Salem was yours the whole time I was nannying for her?"

Her eyes widen. "No."

"Because you thought my brother's name was Adam?"

She nods. "Yeah, I must have misheard when you told me. And after that one time, you never called him by his name, you’ve always just referred to him as your brother. So when you corrected me, I put two and two together."

"Why did you still come?"

"I don't know." Her breath shudders as she exhales. "At first, I freaked out. I wanted to get straight back on the plane and fly home, but I…” She trails off, gnawing at her lip. “I guess I couldn’t resist. I’ve thought about her every day since I gave her up. Last night was the first time I held her. I didn’t even hold her the day she was born.”

Conflicting feelings battle each other inside of me. Her pain and regret are visceral. I can feel it billowing out of her in dark, swirling waves. And I feel sad for her. Truly, deeply sad.

But I’m also angry. Because I haven’t forgotten how much hurt she’s caused Leo with her actions. And showing up here when she knew no one was expecting the bomb her presence would drop on us wasn’t fair to any of us.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpers, crying in earnest now. “I should have told you who I was when I realized. I just… I panicked.”

“I need to know why you didn’t tell Leo you were pregnant, Issy. You clearly knew where he lived. Do you not think he deserved to know that you were having his baby—before you had her dropped off on his doorstep with no warning?"

Her knees resume their bouncing. She flings her gaze around the room, trying to find a spot to focus on so that she doesn't have to look at me. “I actually didn’t know where he lived.”

“What?”

“He’s a public figure. That information isn’t available freely.”

“But what about when you, um…”—I clear my throat, gritting out the next few words—“slept together?” She grimaces, as if she, too, can feel how awkward this is. “That happened at my place in Cincinnati.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She coughs. “It was my lawyer who found his address when Salem was born, and I asked him not to give it to me.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want to be tempted. I gave her up because I knew I couldn’t give her what she needed. I’m not selfless enough to be a mom, and she needed someone who would be completely, unyieldingly committed to her. And sure, I make okay money, but I certainly don’t have the kind of money that Leo has. I wanted her to have more love and opportunities than I was able to give her.”

“You were worried that you’d show up and disrupt her life if you knew where she was?” I ask, trying my hardest to keep my voice gentle. “Like you have now?”

She winces. “Yeah.”

“So, what changed yesterday?”

“I wasn’t strong enough to turn around and go home.”

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell Leo you were pregnant.”

---