Page 88 of Winning Brynn

It wouldn't hurt this much if it was nothing.

It sears like rejection and burns like abandonment, which is melodramatic, I know, but I'm a child of the foster system, so rejection sensitivity is cemented into every cinder block that makes up my existence.

A tear falls loose and rolls mockingly down my cheek. God, I'm pathetic. I'm not even in a relationship with Leo, and I'm lying here crying like I'm heartbroken. No wonder Alex is so fucking protective of me. Look what happens when he isn't around to safeguard my heart.

I'm so wrapped up in my pitifulness that I don't hear the creaking of my bedroom door. I'm only alerted to Leo's presence when the bed dips behind me, and the instant warmth of his body heat wraps around me like a hug.

He says nothing, so I don't either.

I just hug a pillow to my chest and breathe in the masculine scent of the man behind me. Earthy and woodsy, smoky and a little sweet... Leo smells like fall.

"My mom died when I was ten," he says finally. His voice is deep and low, with an inflection to his words that is steeped in sadness. So, I don't reply. I just lie there and wait with caught breath for him to continue. "It was sudden. A heart attack. She had cardiovascular disease, but we didn't know that until after. Sudden death was her first symptom."

My heart breaks for that poor ten-year-old little boy. Silently, I reach around and pull his arm around my waist so that I'm able to take his hand. I hadn't realized he'd been carrying so much tension in his body until I feel it release around me, his breath shuddering over my shoulder.

"Dad checked out pretty much straight away. Barely spoke, started drinking. Not badly enough that he couldn't look after me, but enough that his words turned cruel, and he started punching holes in the wall. And I get it, he was grieving. But so was I, and I..." He trails off, swallowing. "I had to do it on my own."

Behind me, his chest rattles against my back. I stroke my thumb soothingly over his knuckles, fighting the urge to comfort him with words. But I know it isn't my time to speak yet. The floor is all his.

"I had to do most things on my own after that. He tried to be there for me, in his own way, I guess. He came to the class recitals and soccer games, but he'd sit there with a blank face and say nothing when it was time to go home. He was there, but he wasn't present, you know? A shell of himself, a body with a dying heart. So, yeah, he tried his best, but it wasn't what I needed, so I stopped inviting him to the games and recitals, pretended he was sick for parent-teacher conferences, because it was less painful for him to not be there at all, than to come and act as dead as my mother."

"Alex was the first person I've really let in since Mom died. To be honest, he just barged his way past my boundaries and didn't care whether I wanted him there or not."

I snort. "Yeah, that sounds like him."

His hand turns over beneath mine so he can intertwine his fingers with mine. "But the longer he burrowed himself into my life, the more I liked him being there. He was the first person I told about Salem, the one who was there for me the most when my life was thrown upside down without warning. He's the person who talked me off the ledge when I didn't think I could look after her, who dropped everything to get formula and diapers and pacifiers just to make life a little easier on me. He's my best friend, Brynn, and I'm..." He pauses, sucking in another shaky breath. "I'm scared."

"I know," I whisper. "I know you are."

"I don't want to lose him."

"You won't."

He sighs, and it's such a fucking sad sound that I almost start crying all over again. "But I might, and I knew that the moment I touched you, and I did it anyway."

"Do you want to stop doing this? With me, I mean?" My heart hammers against my chest as fear of his answer creeps in. But how could I continue sleeping with him when I know how much it's tearing him up inside? We're not in a relationship. We're not in love. And just because I might be developing feelings for him, that doesn't mean that he is for me. "Would it make you feel better if we just...stopped?"

For a minute, he's silent. And it's the longest minute of my whole damn life.

"No," he whispers finally. "No, I don't want to stop."

I deflate in relief, and I'm sure he can feel it in the decompression of my body against his, but I can't help it. I sink farther back into his embrace, the scent of autumn falling around me like rustling golden leaves.

"Thank you for telling me that," I say quietly into the dark.

His arms tighten momentarily, holding me closer for a moment before relaxing. "I guess I just wanted to explain that sharing my emotions doesn't come easily for me. I don't know how to do it, but for you..." He buries his face in my hair and presses a soft kiss to the back of my head. "For you, Brynn, I'll try."

Text thread between Bryn and Isabella

Isabella:Hit me with an update on your love life.

Brynn:Let’s not use the word love yet, but my sex life has taken a dramatic turn for the better.

Isabella:OMG you had sex with him?

Brynn:Several times now.

Isabella:I’m just gonna ignore the fact that you haven’t told me sooner, because I need to know more.

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