Page 28 of Our Secrets and Scars

“Did I?” he probes gently when I say nothing. “Did I upset you?”

“No.” It’s a lie, and he knows it.

He sighs, frowning at me. “Violet, I saw the tears in your eyes before you ran from me. You didn’t even turn back when I called after you. It’s obvious that I upset you, I just don’t understand why.”

“Well, isn’t that exactly what you wanted?” I snap.

“What?”

“You told me to stay away from you. I was only doing what you asked.”

He stills. Literally, mid-step, he stops dead and turns to look at me, his gray eyes shining with sadness and something like regret. Slowly, he reaches out to run a long finger down my cheek, and though I’m still so angry with him, my eyes close of their own volition, and I let him soothe me with his tenderness.

“I think you misunderstood me, little one.”

My eyes open, and I look at him. He towers above me, so tall compared to my five-foot frame. It’s intimidating, or it should be. But I like how I have to crane my neck to look at him. I like that my head barely aligns with the center of his chest.

He cups my chin and holds me there.

“I didn’t tell you to stay away from me.”

“Yes, you did.”

He blows out a frustrated breath and looks to the sky. “It’s not what I meant. I didn’t tell you to stay away from me because I don’t want you around me, I told you that youshouldstay away from me. For your sake, not mine.”

I blink, confused. “What?”

“I’m not a good guy, little one. I have a past, a dirty one, and if I’m being completely truthful, I’m still trying to get over someone else. I told you to stay away from me, because despite all that, I can’t seem to make myself stay away fromyou.”

I shake my head in disbelief and clutch my stomach as a pang of jealousy seers through my gut. He’s hung up on another woman.

But aren’t you hung up on another guy? Don’t you still think of Fletcher every day and wonder if things could have been different?

I ignore the voice in my head and the discomfort his confession is causing me.

“Then why did you look at me like I disgusted you?” I ask, undisguised hurt thick in my voice.

He rears back. “What?”

“The way you looked at me. It was like you couldn’t stand to look at my face any longer. You saw my scars, didn’t you? You saw them and they repulsed you.”

“No, no, no.” His hold on my chin grows tighter, almost painful, but not quite. His thumb sneaks up to run along the softness of my bottom lip. “Little one, I haveneverlooked at you in disgust. Look at you, how could I ever look at you in anything other than pure fucking awe?”

I feel the prickle of tears in my eyes, but I blink them back. His words don’t make any sense. I know the expression I saw on his face. I know that he was repulsed by me. Iknowbecause everyone always is.

“You grimaced, Holden. You fucking grimaced at me.”

“Jesus.” He pinches the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “You’ve got this all wrong. Whatever expression you saw on my face has nothing to do with whatever you’re thinking.Fuck…”he trails off, looking somewhere over my head as he thinks his words over. “I saw how you were looking at me, Violet. Your eyes so wide, so innocent, so damn sweet. The way you were licking your lips, how you couldn’t stop looking at mine. You wanted me to kiss you.”

“No, I didn’t,” I argue instinctively, shame burning my cheeks.

“Yeah, you did.” He chuckles quietly. “It was written all over your face. And goddamn, I wanted to kiss you too. But it wouldn’t have been fair to you. Not with the secrets I keep and the past I have. Not when I still find myself thinking of another woman even when she’s not in my life anymore. You deserve so much better than to be kissed by a guy like that. Whatever you saw on my face wasn’t disgust. It was the agony of clinging to my self-control and trying to do the right thing.”

I stare at him, stunned. I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. I need a moment to process what he’s said—hell, I need a whole damn week—but he’s staring at me like he’s expecting me to say something, and yet, I’m not sure I have the ability to form a coherent thought right now.

After some time, he seems to realize that I’m not going to answer him, so he lets his hand slip from my face, only to take my hand in his firm grip. And just like that, with our palms pressed together, he walks me silently to class.

“I’ll be here to walk you home when you’re done,” he says simply.

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