Page 93 of Our Secrets and Scars

Kinsley,

Let me start by saying that I know you don’t want to hear from me. I heard you when you said that you’d never forgive me. Hell, I felt it like a bullet to the chest. And maybe letting you go would be what’s best for you. You could move on and be with someone who wasn’t charged with your sister’s homicide or someone who didn’t try to hide it from you. But I’ve realized recently that I am not a good man. I’m a selfish one. So, while it may be in your best interest to leave you alone for good, I won’t. Because there is so much you don’t know about what happened that night. And I refuse to accept that I’ve truly lost you until, at the very least, you have all the information.

Maybe even then, you won’t forgive me. I guess that’s a fact I’ll have to face when and if the time comes. But until then, as far as I’m concerned, you’re still mine. You never stopped being mine. Even when you looked me in the eye and broke my fucking heart by telling me you hated me, still you belonged to me. And best believe, little one, that I am and forever will be yours too. No matter what happens from here. Your name is the only one my heart will ever know, and I’m okay with that. Honestly, I am.

Guess it’s about time I tell you the truth, huh? It’s a long story, probably one better told in person, but since you’re not at your dorm or even answering my messages, I’ve gotta work with what I’ve got. So, here goes…

It wasn’t long after my sixteenth birthday. Mack had given me his old Honda Civic that he’d spent months restoring for my gift. It was from the nineties and made this awful chugging noise whenever you turned the ignition, but it worked, so I loved it. Thing is, I wasn’t even qualified to drive, but Owen was desperate to “take it for a spin.” And before I knew what was happening, he was behind the wheel of my new car with me sitting in the passenger seat beside him.

He’s always been one of those people who can make anyone do anything, y’know? And if they don’t do what he wants of their own accord, he finds a way to force them into it.

Anyway, a “spin” turned into a road trip, and suddenly, we were crossing state lines into Idaho. I should have realized sooner that he was high on something. He’d been extra twitchy when he’d showed up at my house earlier that evening and restless, even more so than he usually was. I didn’t know, Kinsley, I swear. But I should have known. I should have spotted the signs sooner or put up more of a fight when he stole the keys from my hand and got into the driver’s seat of my car. Guess it doesn’t even matter now anyway. What’s done is done.

I saw your brake lights a mile away. I remember because the night was especially clear, and the road was empty. It was just us.

And you.

I remember wondering why your brake lights were on when no other cars around. I remember realizing that your car wasn’t moving and that you were stopped in the middle of the freeway. I remember screaming to Owen to slow down. But he didn’t. And, well, you know what happened after that.

I was knocked unconscious in the crash, but Owen got away with barely anything. A cut or two, maybe. Nothing serious. All I know is that when I came round, I was sitting in the driver’s seat with my head bent over the steering wheel. And Owen was gone.

I found out later that he’d “freaked out,” hailed down a car, and hitchhiked back to the city. Turns out, he was also the one who phoned the police and had me arrested. When he spoke to me later, he told me it would be better that way. He was eighteen and would have been tried as an adult, whereas I was still a minor. He said I’d probably get a suspended sentence for a year or two, and that would be it. Told me I should be a good friend and just do it.

Please know this, Kinsley, I didn’t have a choice. The police found me behind the wheel of the car I owned, and Owen was nowhere in sight. He’d left no evidence of his presence behind and certainly nothing to prove that he’d moved me and fled after the fact. And if that wasn’t enough, his dad is the police chief here in the city and is apparently pretty friendly with the man in charge of the department that arrested me. Even if I’d refused to go along with it, I’d only have been fucked over more in the long run. So, I cut a deal. Pled guilty to vehicular homicide and was sentenced to six years, which was then reduced to four for good behavior. It could have been worse, I suppose.

I didn’t kill Bexley, Kinz. And if I had, if it had been me driving the car that night, please believe that I’d have owned up to it and taken the punishment I deserved. I might not be a good man, but I’m not a bad one either. I care about what’s right, and I’ll put my hands up when I’ve done wrong.

That’s why I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t forgive me for hiding who I was from you. The truth is, I knew you were Bexley’s sister as soon as I saw your last name on the return address of the very first letter you sent me. But it was never my intention to deceive you. Honestly, I wasn’t even planning on writing you back. But your sunshine soul stole my breath from your very first words, and I tried to fight the pull. I really did, but I was weak. Before I knew it, you’d become my best friend in the whole world, and then at some point, even more than that.

I should have told you who I was. I know that. I especially should have told you when I found out you were Kinsley, not Violet, just a few months ago. But I was scared. I was scared that if I told you, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. And yeah, maybe it was me being selfish again, but I’d rather have had and lost you than to have never had you at all. Because even though the pain of losing you is unlike anything I’ve ever felt, those few months that I had you will forever be the best part of my life. I know that doesn’t make it right. Maybe it makes it even worse, I don’t know. Or maybe you’ll understand why I found it so hard to tell you.

We’ve never said those three words to each other. And I don’t want the first time I tell you them to be scribbled on a piece of paper. I want to look you in the eyes when I say them. I want to see the way your face changes as you hear them, and I want to know what it sounds like when you say them too.

But that’s a big ask. You have every right to never forgive me, little one. To walk away from us forever and never look back. I’d get it. I’d understand. I don’t want to learn how to be without you, but I would if that’s what you needed. I’d break my own heart a thousand times over if it meant mending yours, even just a little bit. But despite all that we’ve been through, the heartbreak, the secrets, the scars, I haven’t given up hope that I’ll belong to you again someday. My heart is yours, Kinsley. All you have to do is take it.

So, at seven on Saturday at the café on campus, I’ll be waiting for you.

If, by some miracle, you’re willing to hear me out in person, then please meet me. But if not and you don’t show, I’ll never bother you again. You have my word. I’ll let you go, no matter how much it hurts to do so. But know, little one, that I’ll live the rest of my life still wishing that it’s us in the end.

Always and forever, Holden

Twenty-Seven

Kinsley

Holden’sletterslayscatteredacross the floral sheets of my unmade bed. Four that were delivered to the wrong address after he was released from prison, and one that arrived two days ago.

It’s taken me until now to open them all.

I’ve spent the last couple of days staring at the envelopes, sickened by the way his familiar handwriting brings me comfort despite all we’ve been through. Guilt festers like an infection that I can still feel peace at the sight of his messy, childlike scrawl.

Because how can I allow myself to still have feelings for him after learning that he’s the man who killed my sister? The man who turned me from an identical twin into an only child in the space of just a few fateful moments.

Except, if I’m to believe what he said in his letter, Holden isn’t that man at all.

He didn’t kill Bexley.

He’s not responsible for her death or the scars on my face. He wasn’t driving the car that crashed into us that night and altered our lives forever.

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