Page 54 of Our Secrets and Scars

“Obviously not.”

He chuckles, and it’s an almost sinister sound. But despite the events of last night and the vague revelations that he’s given me this morning, it doesn’t frighten me. Even though he still stands before me, towering above me at over six foot as I sit cross-legged on his bed, I’m not intimidated by him.

I have never felt anything but safe in Holden’s presence.

“You asked me to call you Kinz.” He says it smoothly, blandly like he’s commenting on the weather. “Why would you do that?”

He knows.

That’s all I can think as I scurry backward on the bed, as if putting physical distance between us will help alleviate the incredible stress of the situation.

“I-I don’t know.”

His lips twitch. A sort of smile, sort of grimace. “Is that so?”

I nod frantically, but I’m lying, and he knows it. But I’m not ready for this conversation. I’m not ready to tell him who I am and hear the man I fell in love with through his letters reject me with his spoken words.

“I did some research last night,” he says, climbing onto the bed and crawling toward me until I’m caged within his arms. His nose brushes against mine, and his breath tickles my lips, but the position isn’t sexual. It’s threatening, or should be, anyway.

But it’s not fear that makes my heart pound dangerously fast, and it’s not terror that has me growing lightheaded.

Having him this close, just a whisper away from my lips as my chest heaves against his quickens my heartbeat. It’s the familiar smell of him that makes me dizzy. It’s the way my soul celebrates at his nearness because it recognizes an old friend.

“And what did you find?” I rasp.

“There is only one Violet I could find in the freshman student directory and she sure as shit didn’t look like you.”

I don’t answer, but I tilt my chin in a feeble attempt at defiance.

“There was a Kinsley though.”

I swallow. “Was there?”

“Mm-hmm.” He chews his bottom lip between his teeth before releasing it with a slight hiss. “Any idea about that?”

“No.” The word is nothing but a near-silent breath.

He laughs, shaking his head as I shiver underneath him. I can feel the prickle of heat in my eyes as tears threaten to spill over, but I blink them away.He won’t see me cry, I promise myself.Not over this. Not over him.

“I’ll ask you one more time, okay?” He pauses then as if to build the tension. It’s needless though. I’m tense enough as it is. “Why did you want me to call you Kinz?”

My breath shakes. My entire body does, actually, trembling like I’m naked in the wildest of winters. I couldn’t answer even if I wanted to. And despite my efforts to keep them hidden, my tears come like an early spring rainfall, teardrop after teardrop, until I’m sobbing.

Holden drops his forehead to mine, sucking in a breath. His bravado is gone now, the previous coldness of his demeanor having thawed into something else. Something sadder.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispers.

I suck in a breath, shuddering. My eyes close as the touch of his skin against mine begins to calm me down. “Because I knew you’d leave as soon as I did, and I couldn’t put myself through that.”

His eyes snap open, and he pulls himself off me, falling to my side so he can look at me properly. “Why the fuck would I leave?”

More tears fall as I remember every time I looked in my mailbox only to find it empty, every time I wrote him a letter only to have it sent straight back.

“If you didn’t want me in my letters, why would you want me in real life?”

He blinks. “I don’t understand.”

My eyes fall to the bed as I rub the linen of the sheets between my fingers, the weight of the moment making it impossible for me to look at him. “What don’t you get?” I ask on a whisper. “The things I said, I get it, they freaked you out.”

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