Page 40 of Our Secrets and Scars

WhenIwasyounger,I had this recurring dream that I was trapped inside a mirror. I’d bang against the glass and scream, begging for the girl on the other side to hear me and set me free. But no matter what I did, no matter how loudly I cried or how hard I smacked my hands against the mirror, she never knew I was there. She never saw me. And with burning lungs and bleeding hands, I’d be forced to watch as the girl who looked just like me study what she thought was her reflection, crying as she picked herself apart and prayed to be perfect.

That dream comes to me now as I lie sleeping in Holden’s arms.

Except, this time, it’s different. Because instead of it being me on the other side of the glass, it’s Holden.

And he can hear me.

He answers my screams with yells of his own. He promises to get me out, that he’ll find a way to set me free. He claws at the glass. He pummels his fist against it until it shatters into millions of sparkling, iridescent pieces. They glisten like sand in the sun, and I reach for them, catching my finger on a jagged edge and watching wide-eyed as blood blooms and spills over.

Trust me, Kinz, I’ll set you free,he says.Take my hand; I’ll get you out and I’ll keep you safe.

His words are everything I want to hear, but all I can focus on is the blood. It runs from my finger to mix with the glass shards on the floor, drop after drop until I’m standing waist-deep in a crimson river, wondering if Holden still wants to save me even after seeing how truly damaged I am.

His eyes find mine through the hole in the glass, holding my stare for a long while. He studies me, his gaze roaming over the exposed scars on my face and the blood in which I wade. The silver irises that held such concern before, such comfort and kindness, are different now. Glazed. Icy. It’s like he can’t even see me anymore.

And then, without warning, I’m plunged into darkness.

Frantically, I reach my hand toward him, trying to find him in the dark. But the space he was taking up before is empty now. The air is cold. And he’s gone.

Holden?My voice trembles. I’m too weak to speak any louder, and I can’t get enough oxygen in my lungs. I gulp down air, but I’m still drowning.

Because he left.

He saw me and he left.

I thought he could save me. I thought he could keep me safe. But he saw my scars, he learned my secrets, he saw who I was, and he left.

“Little one.”

His voice calls to me through the gulf of darkness, echoey and distorted. I hear it though. And like a beacon guiding ships over wild waves, it leads me to the light.

“Violet?”

He’s here. He came back for me.

I follow the sound of his voice, my eyes blinking slowly open as my lungs fill with fresh air. The river of red drains away, and the natural afternoon light filters into my consciousness, wrapping its rays around me and pulling me out of the dream.

Holden’s watermelon-colored lips smile down at me as he strokes a hand through my hair.

“Bad dream?” he asks.

“Kinda.”

He searches my face in silence, and I watch with my lip between my teeth as he tries to discover details of the dream in my expression. But I give him nothing. And when he realizes that he won’t find anything and that I won’t tell him myself, he drops a kiss to my temple and smiles gently.

“I’ve got to get ready for work,” he says. “But you should stay. Sleep, take a shower, whatever you want. We can get takeout when I’m done and watch a movie or something.”

My stomach flips. And I can’t work out if it’s because I’m overwhelmed by his suggestion or excited.

Holden reads the indecision on my face. “No pressure, I swear.” He grins. “Just want to make sure you’re rested and fed before we go again.”

“Again?” I scoff. “You’re insatiable.”

He winks as he crosses the room, taking a black tee out of his closet and pulling it over his head.

“I’m a twenty-one-year-old guy who just lost his virginity, what did you expect?”

Shaking my head, I laugh lightly. “You can go on top later then.”

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