Page 14 of Lovers in Lockdown

Sigh.

But I digress.

Maybe I’m just overthinking it. Maybe Noah really did need a shower. Or maybe crying women just really freak him out. It wouldn’t be the first time a man has ran from me because I was crying. My ex used to run for the hills at the slightest sign that I was about to cry, even if we were just watching a sad film. Or a happy one. To be honest, I cry at most films.

But Noah was so tender and delicate with me, stroking my face, soothing me with gentle words and quiet shushes, that I find it hard to believe he’s the type of man to be scared away by a few falling tears. Or anything, actually. In fact, he probably has the opposite problem. The man’s a tank. Even the Hulk would be scared of him.

I need to call my therapist. I’m kidding, I don’t make enough money to afford professional psychological help, but Ellie is the closest thing I have to a therapist, so she will have to do.

I head for the bedroom to call her, passing the bathroom on the way. I can hear Noah murdering a Kings of Leon classic, despite the closed door and the sound of the shower water. Jesus. He really is tone deaf. Can’t knock his commitment though. He belts every note like he’s auditioning for Simon Cowell. Part of me wants to burst through the door and tell him that I don’t like it, Iloveit, but I doubt he’d appreciate it all that much. So, I fight the urge and go to the bedroom, where I collapse onto the bed and dial Ellie’s number.

‘Hey girl, I was just about to ring you!’ Her voice is fast and loud and, despite almost bursting my eardrums, it’s just what I need to hear right now.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, I had the craziest dream about you last night.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah. You like woke up one morning and you’d grown a dick overnight. So, you rang me and I came over and you said you wanted to know what a blowjob feels like. So, because I’m the best fucking friend in the whole wide world, I sucked you off and you jizzed all over my face. It was wild.’

Christ.

‘Yeah. And your spunk was like rainbow coloured with sequins and glitter and it goteverywhere. In my hair. My eyes. I did use my best moves on you though, so I can’t blame you really. I just wanted you to have the full, Ellie blowjob giving experience. I wasn’t gonna halfass it, you know? You deserved the full ass.’

God, I miss her so much.

‘Well, thank you. I thoroughly appreciate your unconscious efforts to give me the best blowjob ever.’

‘You’d have done the same for me, so…’

Yep. She’s right. I absolutely would do the same for her if she spontaneously grew a cock and wanted someone to suck her off. We’re best friends. And that’s just what best friends do.

‘So, how’s life in isolation?’ she asks. ‘You bored yet?’

‘Quite the opposite. I’m not exactly… isolated. I have a roommate.’

‘What?Who?’

‘Reid’s best friend. You know, Noah? The one he went to uni with.’

‘Nope. No idea who he is. But tell me more, woman. This is juicy.’

‘Oh, Ellie,’ I sigh. ‘You’ve heard nothing yet.’

I recount the events of the last 24 hours, pausing occasionally to let Ellie catch her breath between fits of laughter. Because, naturally, she finds the entire situation hilarious.

‘Oh my god,’ she wheezes through her giggles. ‘That is just too funny. Is he hot? Oh God, tell me he’s hot.’

‘I think he might be the best-looking man I’ve seen in my life.’

‘Seriously? Even better than Chris Evans?’

‘Yep.’

Silence.

‘Fuck, Honey,’ she whispers. ‘That’s serious shit. You get to spend the next few months with a man more attractive than Captain fucking America and all I get is a man-child who can’t get off of his Xbox long enough to have sex with me. I think I hate you a little bit.’

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