Page 2 of To the Grave

Sometimes I heard my mom’s voice in my head:you’re stronger than you know.

But that was a lie, and I could prove it was a lie because I’d been so determined to avenge Jace’s death and now I could hardly move.

Every now and then Wolf and Otis and I fucked and it was as good as ever. But it also left me feeling hollow, and sometimes tears streamed down my face after I came, making for a super confusing experience — for me and them both probably.

I hated my body then. I hated the way it could still function, the way it could still feel desire and still come with Wolf and Otis when everything was so wrong.

When Jace was gone.

The days passed in a haze as I tried to fill the hours without Jace. Every now and then Wolf or Otis would suggest a walk or a trip to town, but they’d stopped doing even that when I’d finally pushed back by asking, “What’s the point?”

So this… whatever this was that Otis was doing… was weird.

“You’re going to the gym,” Otis repeated.

“I don’t want to go to the gym.” I flopped back onto the bed and pulled the covers over my head. I hadn’t been to the gym since Jace had died, could barely get myself into work at Cantwell two days a week. I hadn’t even seen Ruth, who was taking classes at the community college on Fridays as part of a college credit program for seniors at Blackwell High. “I want to sleep.”

Otis ripped the covers off again. “You’ve slept enough. It’s time to move your ass.”

I glared at him from the bed. “Is this some kind of intervention?”

He shrugged. “Call it what you want, but you’re getting out of this bed, even if I have to drag you out of it.”

I sat up, beginning to realize this was a losing argument. “If I go to the gym will you let me go back to bed when we come home?”

“Yes.”

I glared at him. “Fine."

Chapter 4

Wolf

Ifinished adding stuff to the blender, then turned it on. It didn’t matter that it was noisy.

We were done letting Daisy hide.

I’d agreed to let Otis wake her up because I knew that would be the hard part. I didn’t want to see the pain in her eyes when she first woke up and realized Jace was still gone.

It was easier for Otis. He knew Daisy was hurting and he hated it, but in his mind, feeling like shit wouldn’t change anything, so why bother feeling like shit?

He came back into the kitchen as I turned off the blender.

“She’s up,” he said.

“You sure she won’t go back to sleep?” I had to ask, because sleep was about all Daisy had done since Jace’s wake.

She ate. She showered when she had to work. She went to Cantwell looking like a ghost, although I had no fucking idea how she functioned there. But mostly she visited Jace’s grave and slept, dozing on the couch until it was time to go to bed at night.

Even the sound of the house had changed, the song I heard when I looked at Daisy growing heavier and sadder by the day.

“She knows I won’t let that happen,” Otis said. “She was getting dressed when I left.”

I nodded and opened the cupboard to find a thermos for Daisy’s smoothie. She’d been eating nothing but shit, and while I didn’t usually care what Daisy ate, I knew all the processed food wasn’t helping her depression.

“You really think this will help?” Otis asked.

“It has to.”

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