Page 45 of The Nanny Goal

I don’t want him to be grateful. I want…

I want to be able to help him, and Inessa, without it getting too complicated. Except it already feels complicated.

You have choices,I remind myself.

I could have gone to Toronto with my parents. A few days of being told I’m a bad friend would have been the worst of my punishment, and then I wouldn’t have two or three months ofthis.

I could call up Shannon or Kiley, and they would come rescue me in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

So why I am considering staying for two weeks, or however long he needs me for?

The truth is, I know it’ll be six weeks, at least, and maybe eight or ten depending how deep they go in the playoffs.

You’re leaving for good in the summer. What does it matter if you stay here through to the end of the playoffs? There are two locking doors between you and the man you once begged to suck his cock.

Maybe I didn’t beg. Maybe that’s just a distortion of time and fucked-up nostalgia. Because I think about that night way more than I should. I twist it into all sorts of fantasy outcomes, including when I take him deep in my mouth and he finishes so fast I feel like a triumphant conqueror.

It would be good for me to let Alexei hire me for as long as he needs a family chef. I can help him find proper childcare, too. This could be a form of exposure therapy to drum that nostalgia out of my heart and my mind and my memories.

He’s a father now.

He’s staring down the possibility of being a starting goalie in the NHL playoffs.

He needs childcare, and Nanny Nyet isnotan option.

I hold up my phone. “What is your email address? I have a standard contract and a website you can pay me on.”

His eyes light up. “You will help us?”

Heart pounding in my chest, I nod. “If you already have a grocery service, I can do an hourly rate for my labour. I prefer to bill two weeks ahead, and there’s a standard retainer which I itemize the receipts against and carry forward?—”

“Emery. I don’t care about the details.”

“But I do. They matter.” I take a deep breath. “This will be easier for me if we make this as formal as possible. You are my boss. I am in your employ. The nanny search I’ll do for free, because I want the best for Inessa.”

His brows furrow and a new tension tightens between us. Understanding. Recognition.

If this is going to work, he can’t misread my kindness as anything other than human decency.

In the two years since we met, I’ve grown. A lot, no matter what my parents might think. And in this moment, all that matters is that Alexei knows what I’m offering—and what I’m not.

I am now very clear on who I am and what I want. What I will do, and what I won’t do.WhoI won’t do.

Finally, he nods and holds out his hand. “May I?”

I let him put in his email address and ignore the little jolt of heat that races up my arm when our fingers brush as he hands my phone back.

There will be more of that. More nostalgic reactions to incidental contact, more fleeting moments of basic physical chemistry. They can be ignored. Or at least, I can learn to ignore how they make me feel.

I change the subject. “What is your plan today?”

“I need to skate. They have a training plan for while the team is away. But first, I want to take Inessa to the hospital. My mom would like to see her.” He shoves his hand in his hair. “She might be a little bear if I bring her back and then leave again. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I get it. Of course she doesn’t like it when you leave. You leave a lot.”

He blinks at me, clearly surprised.

I shrug. “I was her, remember? My dad was in the NHL when I was a toddler. My earliest memories were of him always leaving for road trips.”

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