Page 28 of Shame

But at no point when he was fucking her—Caitlyn, the name I’ll never get out of my head—he never stopped fucking me.

It just got weird.

And bad, more often.

Sometimes good, though, and it’s those moments I replay viscerally, as if there is some meaning in the way he occasionally wanted meever so, in between all the times he found me not quite enough.

“I can’t explain it. There is nothing that makes it right.”

“You wanted her more than me.”

“No. I wanted her less and told myself it was better that way.”

“Why did you stay with me?”

“Because I love you.”

I shake my head. That doesn’t make any sense. “You don’t like what I like, if we aren't interested in the same big… Luke, when I talk to you about art, you look bored. And when I brought up kink, you look terrified.”

“I’m not. Maybe I was, but that was for stupid reasons. I want to know more about what you like.”

I can’t believe that. “I can’t trust you,” I whisper. “Ever. You will never be the man I want.”

“Tell me about him. Tell me what you want.”

“I want a man whose mouth drops open when I strip down and I’m wearing lingerie. I used to strip in front of you and you didn’t even fucking notice. I want a man who finds my kinky interests exciting, not terrifying. I want a man who doesn’t run scared to another woman when things get tough, and stay there, fucking her, until he’s found out. You, Luke, are not what I want.”

He nods, his shoulders bunching, then sighs and changes the subject. “My therapist asked if you’re seeing someone.”

I shake my head. “Not yet. I will.”

“Good.”

“Not for you. Not for us. I’ll go see someone forme.”

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I don’t.”

“But you came to find me.”

“To confront you.” I point at the letter, my finger shaking. “That. The text messages. Your secret kinky life.”

“It wasn’t that kinky.”

“It was more kinky than you ever let yourself be with me.”

“Because I was scared,” he snaps.

I sit back, his anger the splash of ice water I needed. “Ooh, hello Luke. It’s been a week since I’ve seen you. But there you are. Push comes to shove, and Luke shoves back.”

“I’m a human being,” he says gruffly. “I have emotions. I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what are you mad at?”

“Myself!” He shoves a hand through his hair. “You don’t think I want to do kinky shit with you? I don’t even know what you want, and I want all of it.”

“Because you’ve lost your mistress.”

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