Page 133 of Gone With the Wine

“Would you please sit?” I gesture at the chairs I brought down here.

“Um. Okay.” She lowers her cute butt to one of the chairs., taking in the flickering candles and bouquet of purple flowers.

I sit, too. “I had to talk to you before you leave.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“I want to apologize. And I want tell you everything. Things I’m not proud of. Things that are humiliating.”

Her forehead pinches together between her eyebrows.

“I know you’re leaving.” I clear the sudden thickness in my throat. “I know I screwed up when I asked you to stay. I’m not good at this.”

She watches me with a faint droop of her eyelids.

“I’m not going to ask you again,” I assure her. “If you want to go back to Argentina that’s what you should do. You know what’s best for you. And your career. I want that for you.”

She gives a tiny nod, emotions flickering in her eyes. I sense her guardedness.

I don’t blame her.

It’s fucking terrifying, opening yourself up to someone who might kick you in the nuts, knife you in the gut, break your heart. I know pain—I’m a hockey player. But this is different. This is Bianca. This is more than just a broken bone or bruised ribs. This is everything.

I set my wine glass on the table and slide off my chair and onto my knees in front of her. Her eyes fly open wide and she blinks rapidly. “What are you doing?”

“This is me being vulnerable.” My eyes are burning and I squeeze them briefly shut.

She sucks in a shaky breath, her eyes glossy.

“I’m so sorry, Bianca. I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole.”

She watches me, her wine forgotten.

“I have a hard time talking about my feelings. Hell, sometimes I have a hard time even knowing Ihavefeelings.”

She huffs out a small laugh. “Yes.”

“So even if it’s too late for us, I wanted to get my shit together and man up and tell you the truth. I screwed up with my marriage. I don’t want to screw up again. That’s why I went to talk to Stephanie. She had some harsh truths for me. She told me them years ago, but I kind of tuned them out. I felt like she was blaming me for her cheating. And that pissed me off. I didn’t want to hear that.”

Her eyes grow larger. “She blamedyou?”

I shake my head. “No, not really. She was trying to tell me why she cheated. How she felt. She felt like I didn’t love her anymore. She felt alone.” I suck in a breath, inflating my tight lungs. “And that was my fault. I haven’t told you how bad things were after I retired.”

I tell her more details about my depression and how my friends helped me get out of it. That part’s embarrassing, too, but she doesn’t seem horrified or disgusted. No judgment from her, either.

“I came here for a fresh start. Something to give my life meaning, something I could start over with. But I wasn’t letting go of the past. I wasn’t being honest with myself. And I wasn’t being honest with you. Again, I’m sorry. I know that building real connections with people takes honesty. And vulnerability.” I cough. “The way I was raised was to be tough. You definitely don’t cry when you get hit on the ice. You don’t talk about feelings, except maybe tough masculine feelings—” She opens her mouth but I keep going. “Which is bullshit, because feelings aren’t masculine or feminine. We all have them.”

She smiles.

“I want to let go of the past. I think talking to Stephanie will help with that. I apologized to her, too.” I exhale sharply. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you she cheated on me. It was embarrassing.”

Her forehead puckers. “What? Why?”

I shake my head, rubbing my forehead. “The other thing I didn’t tell you is that Stephanie cheated on me with one of my teammates.”

She gulps in air, her eyes flying open wide. “Oh no.”

“Yeah.” My mouth twists wryly. “That made it even harder. It was humiliating enough, but everybody knew about it. All my former teammates, all the gossip blogs.” I shake my head. “I might have been able to stay in touch with the team better if that hadn’t happened, but the last thing I wanted to do was see Austin. Or most of the guys, really. Everybody feeling sorry for me. At least my buddies Frenchy and Copper made an effort to see me.”

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