Page 130 of Gone With the Wine

Her eyebrows shoot up.

“But mostly I want to say some things, also.”

“Okay.” She lifts her mug to her lips, regarding me with interest.

“Did you know I moved to Napa?”

She nods slowly. “I did. Austin told me you bought a winery.”

“That’s right.”

“That was a surprise.”

“Yeah. I know it sounds nuts.” I lift one shoulder. “But I really like it. It’s hard work and I have a lot to learn but it’s going okay.”

“Well, that’s good.”

She’s being very patient.

I rub my mouth and look away briefly. “I met someone.”

“Oh.” She nods. “That’s…good.”

“Yeah. Except I kind of screwed up.” I want to vomit. I fight back the nausea.

She doesn’t react. Just waits.

“I remember when we split up you said some things about how you felt. You said you felt like I didn’t love you anymore.”

She purses her lips, nodding slowly. “Yes.”

“Because I wouldn’t talk to you about how I was feeling after I retired.”

“Right.” She blinks a few times. “You were obviously having a hard time. I tried to talk to you about it, to get you to see someone, but you kept saying you were fine, you just needed to figure things out.”

“Yeah. But I wasn’t figuring things out.”

“No. You weren’t.”

“Is that why you cheated on me?” Fuck, it’s hard to ask that.

She closes her eyes, then sighs. “No. Maybe. Partly? I don’t know. I felt like you were shutting me out. Like you didn’t care enough to talk to me. Or share things with me. We were supposed to be partners.”

A burning sensation traces down my chest and into my gut. “Yeah.”

“I’m not blaming you,” she adds quietly. “I screwed up. I guess neither of us was that great at talking. I should have told you how I was feeling. Instead, I…well, I thought someone else would make me feel…wanted.”

“I’m sorry.” I lower my chin then lift it. “I am so, so sorry I made you feel like that.”

Her face softens and she presses her fingers to her mouth.

“I’m seeing now that I did have some responsibility in why our marriage ended. You’re right. We should have been partners.” I pull in another big breath. “So I apologize for that. Not an excuse, but I was having a hard time. I was pretty depressed, although I didn’t realize it. It was hard to make myself care about anything.” I wince. “That sounds bad. I did care about you. But I just had no interest in anything. I had zero energy. And I had zero interest in talking about it. I kept telling myself nothing was wrong. I tried to pretend I was okay. My parents kept telling me to get over it.”

She covers her face with one hand. “I don’t think it works like that.”

“No. It doesn’t. I felt…like a failure.” Yeah, talking to Moose was easier than this. But I forge on. “I gave up my career and I had nothing else. I didn’t know what to do. I felt worthless.”

Her face tightens like someone just punched her in the stomach.

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