Page 43 of Preacher

“Nothing.” I waved him off and stirred my soup. “I’ve just decided not to see him again.”

He crossed his arms and stared at me for several moments before asking, “What are you not telling me?”

“Nothing. Just let it go.”

“Ah, damn.” Nikolai shook his head and sighed. “You really like him, don’t you?”

“Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” I shrugged and looked away. “I should’ve never gone out with him. Maybe then…”

I swallowed hard, hoping it would keep my tears at bay, and he must’ve noticed because he sighed, “What’s going on with you?”

“I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that my time has come and gone.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know the saying ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’.”

“Oh God, Mom.”

“I’m serious. I’m too old to learn how to date and all the things that go with it.”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit.” He exhaled hard and pushed away from the counter, walking around until he stood beside me. I felt his hand come down gently on my shoulder. “I know you had a rough go of it with Dad, but that doesn’t mean your life is over.”

“But it does.” I shrugged. “You know how things were with us. There’s just too much that I don’t know how to do or if I’m even capable of doing it.”

“Like what?”

“It doesn’t matter. Just forget it.”

“Don’t do that. Talk to me.”

“I can’t. Not about this. It’s not fair to you.”

“I’m the one who’s asking. Besides, if you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”

He was right. I didn’t have a mother or any girlfriends. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried. I had. I had gotten close with one of the house servants. It was just by happenstance. We’d talk and share secrets while she cleaned, and as time passed, we became close. She was like family to me, but then, she caught Dimitri’s eye. Once he started pursuing her, she blamed me for not putting a stop to it and our friendship abruptly ended.

It happened again with the next girl and the next.

I tried making friends with some of the other wives, but they were older and looked down on me. I was nothing but trash wrapped in a pretty bow. I saw no reason to try and prove them wrong. It just wasn’t worth it.

So, I was on my own.

And at times, it was lonely.

Very lonely.

But I had my boys. And I was closest to Nikolai, especially now that he was older. His brothers loved me, and we were close, but it was different with Nikolai. He and I were the most alike, and he just seemed to get me. I glanced up at him and was surprised by the softness in his eyes. “So, what is it that you like about this guy?”

“There are lots of things. He’s handsome and confident, and he is well-spoken. He talks to me.Not at me. And he listens like he cares what I have to say.” I felt the sting behind my eyes before I could blink it away. “I felt like he saw me. The real me.”

“Ah, Mom. Damn.” He let out a breath and shook his head. “You’re gonna have to give him a chance.”

“What? I thought you said he was dangerous, and I had no business seeing him.”

“I did say that, and I’m not saying I was wrong. This guy is dangerous, but he’s no more dangerous than me. If he fucks up, I’ll kill him. Simple as that.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that.”

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