Page 89 of Sleepless Nights and Hockey Fights

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“It’s the Raiden thing.” Matty meets my eyes again. “At first, I didn’t want you guys to know anything about it, but my temper got in the way and that plan went out the window. I got in trouble for fighting, I’m sure you remember.” I fight a grin when he studies my expression. “And then you seemed kind of proud of me when you found out I was only involved because I was sticking up for another kid.” His eyes drop to his feet again. “A gay kid.”

I glance at Blake in confusion. I know all of this already. Blake gestures for me to be patient and listen, so I do.

“But that’s not the whole truth, and I’ve been struggling pretty hard with it until last night when I got mad at Dad’s place and it all just...came out.”

“What is it?” I squeeze his arms. “You know you can tell us anything, Matthew.”

“I know. I was just...ashamed.” He swallows thickly. “I mean, Ididstand up for Grant. But then Raiden said, ‘If you’re sticking up for him, you must be gay too!’ and I...I...denied it and yelled back, ‘I’m not gay!’ like it was something bad. And then every time he’d say it, I’d deny it over and over.”

I look back and forth between my son and Blake. I have no idea what he’s trying to confess here. Is he saying he’s gay? I don’t even know how far along in adolescence he is to be feeling anything in any direction. Is he worried I’d be...upset? “Matthew, I’m afraid I don’t quite understand.”

“He felt like he was betraying me every time he denied being gay.”

I let out a sigh. “I see now.”

“Like, I don’t think I am?” Matty’s face screws up. “I don’t really know anything about it, if I’m being honest. I mean, I don’t like dudesorgirls in that way.” I suppress a grin as he continues. “But if that’s something a kid gets bullied over, I didn’t want any part of it. And that’s not fair to Dad.”

“But you’re not ashamed of your dad becausehe’sgay, right?” I ask Matty just to make sure we’re all on the same page.

“No,” he responds. “It’s just something that makes him who he is. Like being a kickass guitar player.”

“Language,” I remind him, though it’s hard to be mad.

“Sorry.” He sobers again. “But if Raiden had said I was a kickass guitar player—even though I’m not yet—I wouldn’t have been quick to deny it like I was about the gay thing.”

“You’re right. Being gay or bi or straight is nothing to be ashamed about. It’s something to be celebrated because it’s part of who a person is. But you’re twelve, kiddo. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re still figuring all this stuff out.”

“And we have a plan, right?” Blake prompts.

Matty nods and musters a half grin. “Next time Raiden says I’m gay, I’m gonna look at him and laugh and say, ‘Nobody cares besides you, so why do you keep talking about it?’ Then, if he still tries to fight me, I’m gonna stay calm and take deep breaths like Bobby taught me. But hopefully he’s done bullying us after our soda trick.”

It pains me that after all the care I took to give my kid a worry-free childhood, he still ended up getting bullied anyway. I hate that I can’t protect him from everything.

As if reading my mind, Blake says, “It’s all going to be okay. You’ll see.”

“Yeah. I mean, if none of this had happened, Grant and I wouldn’t be friends, and he’s really cool to hang with. So, sometimes things happen for a reason, I guess.” Matty shrugs and I muss his hair.

“It’s good to have people to lean on. And I’m glad you finally told us about what’s been going on. Feels better to let it all out, right?”

“Andrew, my counselor, says that I probably tend to take out my troubles on you guys because I know deep down you’ll never abandon me. You’ll always forgive me and want me no matter how hard I try to push you away.”

“Andrew sounds like a smart guy,” Blake says with a grin that’s a carbon copy of Matty’s.

“Yup. We’ll never give up on you, kid,” I agree.

“I won’t give up on you either,” Matty says. “And neither will Bobby, so you can’t give up on him.”

I open my mouth to protest, but Blake beats me to it. “I agree.”

“Guys,” I begin, not sure what I can say to make a dent.

“Mom, he loves you. It’s soooo obvious. And I know you love him too. Why don’t you want to be happy?”

I stare at my child, feeling dumbfounded. Does he really think I don’t want to be happy? That I’m actively avoiding it? That’s a horrible example to set.

“Matthew, Iamhappy,” I start to reassure him, desperate to fix this.

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