Page 93 of Christmas Candy

“Whoa, we aren’t getting married or anything. I mean, not that I don’t like him, but it’s not … I mean, we aren’t … all we’ve done is—” (fuck).

“Started a relationship.” Niles jumped in before I could ruin it further. I looked back at him and he smiled, far more confidently and sexily than any man should be allowed. “It’s brand new to us, too.”

“I just don’t know what to think.” Mom leaned back against the sofa and stared at the drop ceiling. “I mean, I would never have guessed this. Brent, did you guess this or something.” She whipped her head to him. “Did youknow?”

“Of course not, love. I just thought they were acting the polar opposite of how they used to around each other. I hoped for the best and—” he gestured to Niles and me “—the best happened.”

I began to feel more and more creeped out as Mom appeared shell-shocked and Brent looked happy as a lark. I was still naked and I was almost certain I could make out Niles’ morning wood beneath the sheet.

I cleared my throat. “Well, I really need to get dressed, so if you two could give me a second.”

Mom stood and gave me another bewildered look before walking to the door. Brent rose and followed her. He turned back to us and mouthed “she’ll be fine,” before leading her from the room and closing the door.

I pulled my knees up and dropped my head onto them. “‘Fucked up’ isn’t a strong enough phrase to describe that.”

He rubbed my back some more. It was comforting, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be comforted right then. I slid away from him and pulled on my clothes.

“Don’t do that.” He sighed.

“Do what?”

“Get all up in your head and regret us, yeah?”

I yanked my turtleneck down and turned to him. “There is nous, Niles.”

Hurt flashed across his blue eyes, but somehow, I felt the pain, too. It was as if I had jammed a splinter into my heart. But it was true. We weren’t a couple. We were practically strangers. I’d let my body make my decisions and it had to stop. Even if he’d changed, it didn’t matter. Mom was right.

“I need to go back to the house. Get cleaned up.” I didn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t.

He sighed. “Fine, Annalise. It’s fine.” Resignation and disappointment all rolled into four words.

Tears rose in my eyes. I rushed to the door and almost collided with the nurse. I sprinted past her, past Mom and Brent in the hall, and burst into the stairwell right as my tears started falling.What was I doing?I took the stairs as fast as I could, even as my vision blurred.

* * *

Istayed in my room, only coming down to the kitchen for food when I knew Mom and Brent were out. Mom came by and knocked a couple of times – the second time saying she was sorry for acting like she did at the hospital. I gave in and told her it was fine, but I didn’t open the door. I knew my eyes were puffy and I looked a wreck. Funny, I hadn’t shed any tears over my last ex-boyfriend, Gavin. Now I was a blubbering mess after Niles.

He came home from the hospital the next day. I heard Mom and Brent helping him into the house. They set him up in the living room on the couch near the enormous tree. I imagined him sitting there, all wrapped up in a cast like a sad Christmas present. It would have been funny if he were the old Niles and I was the old Annalise, but we weren’t.

I felt ridiculous for running at the hospital, for the way I’d reacted, for the things I’d said. I wanted to apologize, but I was too embarrassed. Instead, I maintained my hideout and watched as the snow fell out my window.

I tried to do schoolwork on my laptop, but my thoughts kept straying down the stairs. Niles was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. The notes and reading I needed to do quickly fell by the wayside once I realized I’d read the same sentence about ten times over and still didn’t know what it said.

I goofed around on the Internet, reading about the blues of Oxford and Cambridge, the town where Niles had grown up, and his courses of study. I even found a picture of him with his shirtless rowing team. They all had their arms hung around each others’ shoulders and smiled into the camera. Niles was in the center. I could see it now, how he could be the heart of a team.

I stared at his easy smile (and, yes, his hard body) for a ridiculous amount of time. I leaned back in my bed, heat racing through me as I thought about him, the things he’d done, the way he’d treated me – just the way I wanted and needed.

My stomach growled and I realized I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. It was after ten. Mom and Brent had already gone to their room. Niles had to be doped up and asleep. Still, I didn’t want to risk running into him. My stomach growled again, this time more of a roar, and made the decision for me.

I crept to my door. Silence. I opened it slowly, trying to ward off any creaking hinges. It worked. No noise. I padded down the hallway and peeked over the balustrade. The living room below was dark, but the twinkle of the Christmas tree illuminated enough for me to see Niles asleep on the sofa.

I prayed my stomach would be quiet and tiptoed down the stairs. I glanced over to Niles every so often. He looked beautiful, his face serene in sleep. One arm was slung over his head and his t-shirt had risen up his stomach, revealing his abs. An ache went through me that was related to an entirely different sort of hunger, but I pushed it away.

I eased through the hallway and into the kitchen. I let out the breath I’d been holding and opened the fridge. Everything looked good at this point, even the bottle of mustard. I grabbed up some lunch meat and got the bread from the pantry. I was doing well with the ninja routine. I made a sandwich and eyed a bag of potato chips desperately, but I left them alone. Too much noise.

I returned to the island to grab my sandwich, but I was shoved forward and a hand clapped over my mouth, covering my scream.

A hard body behind me and warm breath at my ear. “Thought it would be that easy?”

---