Page 80 of Bending The Rules

“Did you—”

“Mama!” I shouted, earning myself the same look I’d gotten before. This time, I shook it off, swallowing hard before I delivered the news I’d been avoiding for more than six months. “Russell broke up with me because I couldn’t give him babies.”

My mother’s frown deepened even more, and I could tell she was trying to process my words. I could practically see the calculations happening in her mind – even the exact moment when she rejected the factual conclusion her brain had led her to, and shook her head.

“You mean, he broke things off because you weren’t ready to start a family yet?”

The lump I’d just swallowed launched itself back up into my throat, and stayed there as I struggled to take a deep breath. “No, mama. I mean that I can’t have children. “

“That’s not funny, Toni.”

I reached up, brushing away the stray tear that dripped down my cheek. “I know. It’s not funny at all. I wish I were joking, but several different doctors have all told me the same thing.”

My mother took a half –step back, like she’d been punched in the chest. She even put her hand there, closing her fingers around the silver cross she always wore around her neck.

“So you’re saying... no grandchildren?” she asked, her voice cracking over the words as she spoke them aloud. Somehow, that seemed to give them more gravity, and she raised her hand to her mouth.

The tears I’d been trying my best to hold back bubbled up, and started spilling down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Mama. I really didn’t want to tell you this. I know how much you wanted the chance to hold and cuddle and spoil a baby. After everything you did for me, I wanted to be able to give you that, but I… I can’t.”

She still just seemed… stunned, as she stood there. I could tell she was shattered inside – the look in her eyes was exactly why I’d been avoiding this so hard. She’d taken me in, treated me like her own from day one. I owed hereverything. And the one thing she’d been looking forward to from me… I couldn’t give her.

“I’m so, so sorry,” I said, frantically trying to wipe the tears from my face, but they kept coming. Me speaking again seemed to snap her out of her thoughts, and her eyes went wide when she looked at me.

“Hush, girl,” she said, closing the space between us to pull me into a tight hug. “I’msorry, that you felt like you had to keep this from me. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’s disappointing. But you’re stillmine. And I still love you. Nothing changes that, Toni. I’ll need a few moments to process it, but I’ll be alright. And if that no-count fiancé of yours can’t see past this, good riddance to him. I always thought he was funny-looking anyway.”

I sniffled, then shook my head. “Russell was very attractive, Mama.”

She grunted. “Yeah, if you like tall, caramel-skinned, and handsome with a bald head.Yuck,” she said, then pulled back to look at me before we both burst into laughter. “He can still take a long walk off a short bridge,” she said, when we finally stopped. “Breaking up withmydaughter.”

“In his defense… he tried to get me back. But by that time, I was already… mentally I’d moved on.”

My mother used her thumbs to dry my cheeks, then tipped my chin up, so I was looking at her. “To Justin Wright?”

I dragged my teeth over my lip, then nodded. “Yes.”

“Mmmhmm. You want to explain howthathappened?”

I shook my head. “Not really. Mostly because I don’t even know myself. It just… happened.”

“Well, that’s usually how it goes. I take ithewas a large factor in your decision to find that office space here for your company?”

I grinned. “Maybe a little bit.”

“Mmhmm. I’ll have to give him my gratitude then, for being the one to get you to come back home, instead of going off to repeat your childhood again.”

I squinted at her, tilting my head to the side as I tried to figure out what she was referring to. “Mama… I have no idea what that means.”

A little smile crossed her face. “Ah… you still haven’t realized that’s what you’ve been doing, when you do all this country-hopping. You really thought being a “nomad” was just a hobby of yours?”

“Uhh, yeah,” I said, still confused. “Are you saying it’s not?”

“Think about it, sweetheart. Your birth mother couldn’t take care of you, so you got bounced around her side of the family. Then she died, and you were just bounced around more. Right after trauma, no time to heal. You went right to being bounced around your father’s side of the family. Then he went to prison when you were six, and again, no time to heal. You ended up in the system at seven, and got bounced from home to home then too. When you finally ended up with me, you kept a bag packed – always ready to go, just in case. But instead of what you expected, you got stability. You got afamily. And then when family – Justin – hurt you… you went right to what was familiar to you after a trauma. You bounced around the world.”

“Wow,” I whispered. “I… never considered that, but I guess you’re right. When I’m moving around so much, it doesn’t give me time to really process anything. I’m busy enough to block it out.”

My mother nodded. “Not only that… it keeps you too busy to make attachments, and put down roots. But just like when you were a little girl, with me and your father, with the Wright family… you have a home here. You don’t have to keep running, trying to avoid getting hurt or hurting anybody. You stay, and you fix it. Or you don’t. But youdon’ttap out on living your life.”

“Thank you Mama,” I said, pulling her close to wrap her in a hug.

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