Page 60 of Bending The Rules

But could I really be mad at him for being fickle, when I didn’t know what I wanted either?

“Toni, are you still there?”

“Huh?! I mean… yeah. Yes. Sorry Janelle. Um… Yes. I’ve thought about what you proposed.”

“And your answer is…?”

I sighed, again. “My answer is… that I just don’t know.”

“Okay… are there some lingering questions? Something you don’t understand?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?” Janelle asked, in a gentle voice, even though I knew she was frustrated. She had to be. Hell, if this were the other way around, I’d be frustrated too. “Listen,” she continued, before I’d had a chance to respond. “We’ve talked about this over and over, Toni. We need dedicated office space, we need to find a new press, and we need you here, handling these things. It affects our revenue.”

I rolled my eyes. “You make it sound like I’m not working, like I don’t take care of business.”

“Everybody knows how hard you work. I’m not trying to say you don’t. Our authors loved you, and they’re vocal about how much they appreciate the time you put in with them in their manuscripts, helping develop, all of that.But.You’ve been putting off these decisions that could be a huge boost to the business for over a year now. It’s time to say yes.”

“I feel like you’re clipping my wings, Janelle.”

She laughed. “My apologies, because that’s not my intent, at all. Making a home office here doesn’t meanyouhave to be here… though I wish you’d consider that. Your travel budget adds up, especially with those extended-stay hostels and hotels you love so much. If you’d block out maybe six months for travel, instead of year-round, we could save the company a lot of money.”

“I’m not traveling for my health, I’m cultivating!”

“Well, maybe it’s time to start cultivating more American authors. I mean, I know the mission is to have authors from all over the Black diaspora, but it wouldn’t hurt anything for Black Americans to dominate the roster. Our submission inbox is always full, and we shouldn’t rule out published authors either. What about Justin Wright? Didn’t your parent’s bookstore just host a signing for him? Do you think he could potentially be recruited?”

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. “Uh… maybe. I don’t know that a small publisher is really on his radar. He went from us to Lyon, remember?”

“Vaguely. That was a few years before my time with Seeds, but I get what you’re saying. You’re concerned he may see it as moving backward… but I don’t know. Don’t count us out, we have a lot to offer that his big publisher can’t.”

“You knowIknow that. Screw Lyon,” I said, frowning up at the ceiling. “I’m just saying,hemight think that.”

“Which is why you have to sell him on the benefits of a smaller publisher. You’re the best-damned recruiter I’ve ever seen. If anybody could convince him…”

“Wait a minute.” I sat up. “Why are you talking as if the decision is made? I haven’t agreed to anything.”

“But you should. Justin Wright would look good on our roster. He’d be good for business.”

“And so would any number of other authors, who haven’t a chance yet, who are looking for their break. Come on, Janelle, you know we have a limited number of people we can take on. Do we want to give that space to someone we have to convince, or someone whowantsto be here?”

“Why does it sound like you’re backing away from a challenge?”

I scoffed. “Because I’m backing away from a challenge. I’m not making any promises about making a play for Justin Wright. Or dedicated office space. Or my travel budget. Not right now. I’m supposed to be in Lagos in a few days to meet an author, and I’m still bringing things to a good spot with my parents. Let me get past that, and I’ll make some decisions after. Once I can breathe.”

“Okay. And I’m holding you to that. It’s our company, your decisions… I just need you to actuallymakethem.”

“Alright, alright, I hear you Janelle.”

“I’ll see you later.”

“Okay. Bye.”

I dropped the phone onto the bed beside me, and propped my forearm over my eyes. I knew what Ishoulddo. Hell, I even knew, deep down, what Iwantedto do.

Actually pulling the trigger though… that was something else.

I pulled myself out of bed and zipped my athletic jacket before I filled the pockets with my phone, headphones, and key card to get back into my room once I left.

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