Page 56 of Bending The Rules

“I don’t know,” she said, finally. “I mean… I wantsomebodyto want me. Cause if not, it’s like Russell said, right? Good luck finding someone to settle for me.”

I groaned. “Oh come on, Toni. That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Is it? You know me better than anybody, Jus. Hell, you’ve been inside of me, skin to skin. In more than one way, we’ve been as intimate as two people possibly can. And you looked at the situation and decided… “nah, I’m good.” So… whatshouldI do with that information?”

“You should stop pretending to be a goddamn psychic, for starters. And don’t get pissed at me for what youthinkis happening in my head.”

“I’m sorry.” She took another sip from the slush, then put it back in the cup holder and picked up the other one. “I just… I don’t know what I’m doing,” she said, her voice cracking over the last few words as she dumped the rest of the vodka into the cup and started stirring. “Professionally, I’ve got it together. Business is thriving, the bookstore is doing well, all of that. But personally… I’m a mess. My fiancé dumped me. My pussy doesn’t work. I haven’t told my mother either of those things because I don’t want to break her heart. I screwed my best friend, who Ijustreunited with, so it’s only a matter of time before that all falls apart too. I’m lonely. And I’m scared that it’s just gonna… be that way, forever.”

Shit.

“Toni…” I grabbed her hand, and was glad when she didn’t pull it away. “Where is all of this coming from?”

She shrugged, and turned back to the window. “I don’t know. I guess it’s just been… bottled.”

“Why didn’t you talk to somebody?”

She sucked her teeth. “Yeah, like who?”

“Aviva, or your mother…”

“Justin, do youhonestlythink I could have talked to either of their dramatic asses about this stuff?”

I thought about that for a second. “Okay, maybe not. But what about Nikita?”

“I love Kita, but she and I aren’t close like that.”

“Okay, so somebody youareclose with like that.”

“There isn’t anybody.”

We pulled up to one last light before my turn that would put us at our destination, and I glanced at her. She was staring down at her cup.

“What do you mean, there isn’t anybody? Are you saying you don’t have friends?”

“No,” she answered, but didn’t look up. “I have friends, I just… they’re not…” she let out a deep sigh. “After what happened those years ago, with me and you I was scared, I guess. To let anybody in. I didn’t want anybody to be able to hurt me like that, so I kept my distance. Still keep a distance. So it’s really just… you. And for a pretty long time, it wasn’t even you, so yeah… God, I’m so pitiful,” she said, followed by a wry laugh that quickly dissolved into tears.

I made my turn, and pulled into the first parking lot I spotted. I got out of my seatbelt as fast as I could, then went around to her side to open the door. She was in full-blown sobs by the time I unlatched her seatbelt, and pulled her into my arms.

“What’s going on with you right now?” I asked, mumbling the words into her hair as she cried into my chest.

Sniffling, she pulled back to look me in the face, and shrugged. “I’m a little drunk, I think.”

“Just a little, huh?” I shook my head, then reached over her for my cup, and took a long drink. “Alright, I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna drink this while we walk, so I can be as drunk as you, okay?”

She laughed—something I was relieved to see – then nodded as she stepped away from the SUV to close the door. “I like that idea. If you get drunk and start spillingyourguts, maybe I won’t feel so bad for spilling all of mine.”

“Used to be a time you didn’t need liquid courage to do that. Since when did you need liquor in you to just tell me the damn truth?”

Toni pushed out a deep sigh, then scrubbed her hands over her face, trying to clean away her tears. “I don’t know. Everything is just… different now.”

“How?”

“You’re not the same Justin. Or maybe… I just can’t look at you the same, with everything that’s happened. I know you’re good at making those firm decisions, and sticking to them. You move with certainty. You know your mind, know what you want. You don’t second-guess. That’salwaysbeen you. Something I admired about you. But that’s notme. Weslept together.And after, I know we talked, and we made that decision that we’d just keep on trying to be friends, and leave it at that. But…” She stopped, to shake her head. “I wasn’t as certain as you seemed to be. And I can’t tell you how I feel, or what I want, because I don’tknow. It’s not cut and dry for me. There’s a “what if?” on my mind every time I think about you. I’m confused.”

I looked away from her, swiping a hand over my head. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Tee.”

“I don’t want you to say anything. I’m just venting to you. I can do that, right?”

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