Page 49 of Bending The Rules

“And I’m just now hearing about this?” He asked, looking disgusted. “You knew you were coming here to host his signing, and it never occurred to you to mention it?”

“When was I supposed to get a word in, with you constantly prattling on about where you’d been and where you were going next?” I snapped. “All you want to talk about is world cultures, and politics, and food, whatever-the-fuck else you can to make sure somebody knows you’re a well-traveled, well-read, well-educated black man. Oh, andso goddamn handsome it’s like the savory gravy on a homemade biscuit,” I said, mocking his arrogance, and the affirmation he picked up from his mama.

“Don’t you try to turn this on me!”

I let out a fake gasp, but still kept my voice low, trying to keep the conversation just between me and him. “Oh, wow! Youdon’twant to make it about you for once, Russell? What a shock!” I snapped, crossing my arms. “I intervened to save you, but since you’re standing here pretending to be scandalized, maybe I should let him kick your ass.”

“Whatever, Toni,” Russell said, shaking his head. “I’m done with this. I can use this energy to find a woman capable of giving me a family. I was settling for you – good luck finding somebody else who will.”

I flinched like he’d smacked me across the face at those words. He shook his head as he backed away from me and then headed down the hall. I turned just in time to see Justin fake like he was about to lunge at him, and Russell nearly jumped out of his shoes scrambling away.

It was a funny sight I couldn’t even really take joy in, because of that parting message.

Justin grabbed my hand as I headed back into the room, turning me to face him. “Hey… What did he say to you? You good?” he asked, and I nodded, trying not to meet his eyes.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m good. Let’s go, before we end up being late.”

It was clear from Justin’s expression that he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t argue. A few minutes later, we were in the cool, delicious-smelling, all-black interior of Justin’s truck. I settled into the plush leather of his seats and closed my eyes as he drove. I didn’t open them until I realized thatNext Lifetimewas playing faintly from his speakers.

Instead of saying anything to him, I picked up his phone from the middle console, and powered it on to see the song information displayed on the lock screen. I smiled, for the first time since the incident upstairs with Russell, when I saw the name of the playlist.

Toni’s Mix.

“So… we going to talk about this or not?” he asked, pulling up to a light.

I rolled my eyes at the feeling of déjà vu. “Isnotan actual option?”

“Really? No. I want to know what he said to you, before he walked off. You looked like you’d seen a ghost, and I’m trying to figure out if I need to-”

“No,” I shook my head. “You don’t. However that sentence was going to end, no you don’t, because Russell doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me what he said.”

I pushed out a sigh as he started driving again. “He said something about finding a woman who could give him a family. And wished me luck finding someone who would settle for me, since I can’t.”

“What?” Justin said, confusion obvious in his tone as he turned into the intersection that would get us to bowling. “What does that even mean?”

“It means exactly what he said. He wants a woman who can have a baby. That’s why he broke up with me in the first place.”

“Wait… so… you can’t have a baby?”

I looked straight in front of me, at the passing traffic, as I shook my head. “Nope. And until about six months ago, I didn’t know. I had a cyst on my ovary, that burst. Not that I knew what it was at the time, I was just in pain, but that’s the diagnosis that I got after an ultrasound, which I’d never had before. Along with theawesomenews that my fallopian tubes are basically chopped liver, and my uterus is “abnormal”.”

“Toni…”

I shrugged. “It’s fine.I’mfine. Just… a very,very,very low chance of me ever successfully carrying a pregnancy. With no answers for why, or what happened… it’s just the way the cookie crumbled for me.”

“Toni, that’s—”

“Fine, is what it is. Seriously, Jus. You know me… babies are adorable, and all that, but I’ve never just deeply desired kids. I’m okay with it, really. But who the hell is going to want to spend their life with someone who can’t give them a family, huh? And then… mymother. She’s always talked about this, how she’s so lucky to have me, because I can give her grandbabies.”

“That’s not the only reason your mother feels lucky to have you.”

I nodded. “I know that. I do. But it’s just… she was sohappy when I told her I was engaged. Never overbearing with it, or anything like that, just thrilled that her time to be a grandmother was finally coming. How am I supposed to tell her this? If I tell her Russell and I broke up, she’s going to want to know why. And thewhyis that… he wants someone who can conceive and carry his child… eventually.”

“He seemed like he wantedyou.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “And at some point, we would go into massive debt and donate my body to science in pursuit of a pregnancy I don’t even feel that strongly about. I’m not interested in taking on the huge monetary, emotional, and physical costs of an experience I could take or leave. I even suggested adoption, which Iaminterested in, because I know there are a million kids like me, who could use a good home. He shot it down. He wants biological children, which is his right, I guess, but… can we talk about something else?”

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