Page 74 of The Romance Rivalry

“Me, you, and the impostor you think you are.”

“Har har.”

It’s quiet. It’s quiet in my head, too.

My fight-or-flight response has always been to run. I hate confrontation. But somehow, when it comes to Aiden, I never leave. I always put my dukes up ready to be challenged. And he’s stepped up and taken me on every time.

“I appreciate you fighting for me. But I don’t know if that makes a healthy foundation for a relationship. I think I just need to step back for now. I have a lot to figure out. You’re right, you know? I have been so absorbed with pleasing others, I’ve lost my grip on the truth, even for myself. I need to work through that. Before I ruin every bit of what’s good in my life. Including you.”

He nods, but he can’t hide the hurt in his eyes. “Okay,” he says. “But, Irene?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll be here when you need me.”

“You always have been Aiden. But for once, I don’t want to be someone who needs saving. I want... to be able to save myself.”

I step close to him and give him a kiss on the cheek.

“I want to be worthy of you,” I whisper into his ear. “And I want to be worthy of me, too.”

Epigraph

Rant incoming: Marketing this book as star-crossed lovers is fine. But putting it in the romance section means it must end with an HFN or HEA. Sorry for being spoiler-adjacent, but I think it’s important I clarify this for everyone—THIS BOOK IS NOT A ROMANCE.

—@irene.loves.love.books

Seventeen

star-crossed lovers

Six months ago, I thought all I wanted to do was fall in love.

Maybe that was an overstatement then.

I realize now I’d only bought into finding a boyfriend. The love part was more than I bargained for.

Turns out falling in love isn’t that difficult. Aiden made that way too easy, with those dimples, that humor, that heart. It’s being in love when your world feels so overwhelming, when expectations keep piling up, when you’re failing everything and everyone, that’s the hard part.

I take out two of the sweaters I packed and sit back down on my suitcase to see if I can get it zipped this time. I’m taking the train home for Thanksgiving and as much as I love my parents, I’m grateful there’s another option for me rather than them coming up to get me. I’ll be spending the next week with my family as it is. Getting a couple hours alone isa gift. Well, I won’t be alone. I’ll be stuck with my thoughts, and that might end up being its own kind of torture.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Jeannette says to me, sitting on her own suitcase and struggling to zip it closed.

“I’m gonna miss you, too.” The truth surprises me. We’re only gonna be apart for a week. But Jeannette has become a staple in my daily life. I’ll miss her laugh and her jokes and her penchant for holding my hand and hugging me when I least expect it. WHO have I become?

It’s interesting how much I’ve changed in just the first few months of school. And yet I’m still the chronic people pleaser, stuck in an impossible situation.

“Promise me we’ll FaceTime every single day,” she says.

I laugh, namely because I’m not sure if she’s serious or not. Sounds excessive, but this is Jeannette, after all.

“Do you guys have any big plans other than turkey?” I ask.

“Oh, we do the whole Black Friday thing. Awake by three, in line at Best Buy by four to get those coveted tickets for the big items we don’t need but can’t possibly pass up at this price. When you’re a family of six kids, money can sometimes be tight and capitalism gaslights you into believing a markdown is a gift that you can’t refuse. I drive a twenty-year-old hand-me-down car with over two hundred thousand miles on it back home. But somehow I get a new TV or computer or music system every year for Christmas. It’s a trip.”

It makes me wonder what beliefs I’ve held on to that make no sense, that are society or culture or family history’s way of gaslighting me. The need to be the best, to be number one at something is a big one in Korean culture. I guess the fact that I’m going to a college I wouldn’t have chosen for myself in order to study for a career I’m not suited for and fake date a guy I actually really like to make me seem more competent to my family and my followers proves I’ve fallen prey to this belief. Good times.

Too bad I’m failing at all these things.

---