Page 59 of The Romance Rivalry

“Irene as an editor...” He looks to me and back to my mom and back to me. My eyes are pleading with him to play along, to tell them I’m the best student he’s ever had, to basically lie for me.

“Why, yes, it’s her lifelong dream. Has she told you how passionate she is about literature? She also managed to turnher love for books into a wonderful hobby on the internet. Even some of the young people from our church have seen her videos. She’s so humble. I know she’s likely the best student in your class, but doesn’t make herself stand out,” my mom responds.

“Oh, well, she is definitely a pleasure to have in class.” Nice, Dr. Kingston. Keep it simple. No need to overshare.

“She just loves, has always loved, to read. So it is a natural progression that she’d become an editor one day. The best use of her talent. Don’t you agree?”

Dr. Kingston looks my way and gives me a pitying smile. He sees her delusion and, in turn, my impossible situation.

“Okay, Mom. Now that you’ve been introduced, we should let Dr. Kingston be on his way. He’s very busy. I don’t wanna bother him. I’m so glad you all got a chance to meet.” I push my parents out the door. “Dr. Kingston, see you in class.” I give him an apologetic look and turn to leave.

Great. I’m gonna be called into his office, again, to explain myself. Because from what he can tell by my poor effort in class, number one, I do not love studying literature. Once I’m told I have to do something, it takes away from the joy of doing it. And number two, with my grades, there is no way I’m gonna make it through this entire program to one day be hired as an editor.

And all of that has been made clear in just two months.

I grab my phone and type a quick message to Aiden.

Me:Kill me now. My parents just met Prof King. It was brutal.

The urge to tell him something else, right now, something to help me forget this awkward Parents Day and focus on something good, hits me. My fingers start moving of their own accord.

Me:Also, hi, I miss you.

I quickly backspace and delete. Too much, too soon. Oh god, what if I’d accidentally pressed send instead? THINK before you type, Irene.

Me:Also, hi, when can I see you.

My face immediately reddens. Are you kidding me? Don’t be such a dork. Delete, delete, delete.

I look down at the blinking cursor, waiting for my words.Also, I think about you all the time. Also, are we dating? Also, am I your girlfriend? Also, are you feeling everything I’m feeling? Also, am I delusional?All the things I want to say, to ask him, to tell him, but just... can’t. I need to stop overthinking it.

I quickly type the same text he sent me the other night. Lighthearted. Make it into an inside joke. Easy. Nothing that will put me in over my head. And press send.

Me:Also... wanna make out??

He might not get it. He might not think it’s funny. But it’s the most I can give him. I want to be more honest, both with Aiden and with my parents. And in every area of my life. Fornow, I’m just too exhausted and raw from juggling all the untruths I’ve wound together to make the false narrative of my life.

For now, I just want to laugh and be with Aiden.

I wait one second to see if he responds. But the messages do not show as read. So I pocket my phone and get back to my parents.

The day is jam-packed, filled with activities for my folks. In the brief moments that I have to myself, I check my messages again. My finger hovers over the keyboard. I wanna ask Aiden if he’s doing okay. I want to ask him how he’s spending his day.

I think twice and put my phone away without sending another message. He’s probably keeping busy and hasn’t had the chance to read my texts. I don’t want to flood his inbox with more and be irritating.

Who knew I’d end up being so needy and codependent the moment I started having feelings for someone. Maybe it’s a good thing I waited this long to date.

“You okay?” Jeannette asks me. Our parents are on their campus tour, so we’re at the ice cream shop killing time with about one hundred other freshmen, all waiting on their folks.

“Just thinking...” I say.

She raises her eyebrow at me, letting me know she’s listening if I want to share.

“When Aiden mentioned that I was not genuine online, that I was acting a part, I felt offended. But I realized he’s right. I have been doing that my entire life, being the dutiful middle daughter to my parents, trying to do the things that would make them happy so that I would have a position in our family. Being just the right kind of romance reviewer online, having a persona that is not distasteful to anybody. Looking to find a perfect guy so I can be the perfect girlfriend and fall in love... and all of that is just exhausting.”

“Maybe you don’t have to try so hard,” she says. “Maybe you can just let yourself believe that your parents and your friends and your online community will love you for who you are. And so will the right guy. You need to be honest with yourself, and honest with those around you.”

I know Jeannette is right. I just don’t know if I can be.

---