Page 43 of Queen of Ever

‘Explain to me how the Unseelie Queen got a hold of my fiorainm,’ she said, cutting me off.

That was an effective erection killer.I sank a little lower in the chair as shame crawled up my neck and tried to choke me.I should have prepared for that question.How to say this?How to tell it all without changing the way she looked at me, making her see me as stupid and weak?She’d only just begun to forgive me.Could she love me if she knew I was a slave to the Unseelie Queen, that I was helpless before her?How could she when it meant I couldn’t protect her from the worst danger I’d put her in by binding us together?Then she’d know that I should have let her run for her life.

‘I’ll take your silence to mean it’s complicated and not that you’re refusing to answer the question,’ she prompted.She was tense, sitting on the edge of her seat like she was preparing to jump out of it.And her expression, always so open, so easy to read, told me of the tentative hope for an answer edged with fear that I’d let her down, and suddenly I was no longer thinking about what a confession would do to me.Because I’d hurt her, and she deserved my courage now.

‘I gave it to her,’ I said.I’d not mince words.She should know it all.

Imogen inhaled sharply.‘But… why?’

‘Because she has mine.’

Her expression cleared, mouth falling open in a soft ‘oh.’Her eyes weren’t focused on me now and I had the sense she was going back, reliving moments, piecing together the past with this new knowledge.‘That explains a lot.’

A heavy silence fell.I waited for her to process the ramifications, to realise the danger she was in and that she wanted nothing more to do with me.

‘So, when she used my name, and I was forced to obey her… she can do that to you too?’

I simply nodded, choking on a lifetime of memories, of cruelty and helplessness, of being unable to fight back.

‘After the Hunt Ball… when she was so awful to me, and you just sat there…’

‘She likes to ruin things,’ I muttered, folding forwards to lean my elbows on my knees, gaze turning to glare at the floor.‘Especially things that are important to me.Directing her attention has been my only real defence for a long time.’

‘Which was why you were so pissed with Ves for bringing me to Beltane.’She sighed, and when I glanced up at her she was mirroring my posture.‘Who else knows?’

‘No one.Just you now.Arun did, but…’ I cleared my throat as my voice grew thick.

‘Is he alright?’she asked, clearly catching the emotion.

‘No.He was killed in the attack on the Unseelie Palace.’My shoulders slumped lower as grief settled on them.

‘Oh Tarian.’Her voice was hushed, soft, followed by her footsteps.Her hands touched my shoulders, hesitant and light.‘I’m so sorry.’She drew close and I shuddered in the embrace of her warmth, her concern, leaning my head against her stomach and wrapping my arms around her waist.It was impossible and entirely natural to soften there, to let the grief rise to the surface in the certainty that she would hold it.

‘He saved my life,’ I breathed into her, like it was a secret I was trusting her to keep.‘And he died for it.’

She drew fingers through my hair as I told her about it, about the explosion, about the death, about finding Arun’s blank-faced stare and being unable to touch him because I hadn’t wanted the turmoil of my magic to destroy him.I told her how he’d been more than just my personal guard, how I’d relied on his guidance ever since I was young.Told her what he’d meant to me.It was strangely easy to talk like this, with my gaze on the ground and her hands caressing me, letting me know she was listening, that she cared.It felt...good.

‘It sounds like he wouldn’t have regretted his choice,’ she said when I ran out of words.‘It sounds like he loved you.’

Again, a silence fell.I breathed her in and imagined how good it would be to always be able to hold her like this, openly and whenever I wanted.To not be afraid of who would be watching, of who would be waiting to use the way I felt for her against me.To not be afraid that her bond with me would destroy her.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the queen before you gave me your name,’ I said finally.‘It was...unbelievably stupid.’

‘It was,’ she agreed.‘But I forgive you.’I drew back, looked up at her.She was smiling.‘I thought you did it because you wanted a way around the prophesy.’The smile slipped away as something else seemed to occur to her, and I hated to see it go.‘You’ve no idea how stupid I felt.I thought you’d just manipulated me to get my name in the first place and you’d gone to betray me at the first chance you got.’

‘I can see why it looked that way.But I left you that morning because I wanted to fight to keep you.I wanted to do right by you after what I’d put you through.But it just made things worse.’

‘Yeah, it did.’A pause.She smoothed my hair back from my forehead.‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d broken your engagement?’

Hadn’t I told her that?Maybe not.‘I’ve had a long list of things to tell you.Hadn’t got there yet.’

She rolled her eyes.‘That should have been near the top.’

‘Why?Were you jealous?’I asked, smirking, filled with a fierce satisfaction at the idea.

‘About as jealous as you were when you thought I was going to marry Solas.’

‘I doubt that.You’d be disturbed if you knew the many creative ways I’ve imagined killing him since you arrived yesterday.’

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