Page 45 of Edge of Control

I vowed in that moment to never allow him to feel like that again. To protect him in a way I had failed to protect Marielle.

“I think there’s power in smiling through the darkness, too,” Jace continued. He turned to look at me. I looked away. “That sounds a little psycho, doesn’t it? But there’s some kind of mental effect in finding something good during the bad. I dove into books around that time. I went to comedy shows, improv shows. Even though I was by myself, I found the cheapest things to do in the city and tried to find joy again. Slowly, it was working. The sun came back out again. And I experienced things that made me realize how much I would have missed if I wasn’t found in time. Missed experiences, stories, places. People.”

I forced my gaze back on his. He smiled.

“I don’t think that sounds psycho at all. I think that sounds perfectly reasonable.”

“It’s also lucky I found myself some good help. My mom, she suffered from the same thing as me. Stilldoes, I guess. I haven’t really spoken with her. But she never believed in medication or therapy. Just alcohol.”

“I do agree that the right treatment makes a difference.”Ironic, considering my treatment plan consisted of drugs and alcohol.“Where’s your mom now?”

“I’m not exactly sure. I saw her for my dad’s funeral, and then that was it. I think she’s somewhere in Jersey. She couldn’t handle raising me when my parents split, so my dad took full custody.”

“Would you ever reconnect with her?” This was better. Safer territory than the suicide.

Suicide, fuck. Marielle. Needless. She should still be here. She had called me before she’d done it. Left a message. Crying. Needed to talk. I didn’t get it until after.

Maybe I could have saved her. Stopped her.

She should still be here.

“Maybe. I don’t necessarily have bad feelings towards her. I understand, especially after what I went through, how fucked-up a bad mental state can make a person. It does make me sad that she’s suffered for so long. I used to be resentful that she wasn’t there to help me through it when things got rough, but I understand that’s just how life works sometimes.”

Jace took in a deep breath. I could hardly get air into my lungs. The panic was beginning to bubble up in my chest. My forehead started to hurt.

But then something odd happened. Jace’s fingers threaded through mine. He squeezed my hand. He smiled again, bright as the fucking sun and moon and stars allmerged together. The world faded around me. The anxiety went out like a candle being held out in the rain.

I could breathe again.

“Thanks for hearing me out, Theo. Seriously. Crazy to me how I feel so open around you. I don’t know what it is. It’s like you already know everything about me.”

“I don’t,” I said. “But I’d like to.”

Chapter 18

Theo Glass

It tookus about another hour of aimless walking before Jace brought up the idea of bringing me back to his place.

I said yes without much hesitation. I pretended I didn’t know exactly which train to get on, which street to turn down, what floor to stop on. The shitty elevator did surprise me, though. I joked about getting stuck in there with him, although the idea of being trapped in any kind of enclosed space scared the fuck out of me.

As he slid his key into the lock of his front door, my eyes dropped down to his jeans, how full they were. I put my hand in his back pocket. He smiled over his shoulder.

This was it. I would be stepping into a space I already knew quite intimately, but as far as Jace knew it would be the first time I’d seen it. He was probably nervous. Likely thinking if he’d cleaned it well enough, if he put away his dirty socks, if he left out any of the masturbation lotion he sometimes used.

Silly Jace. He didn’t realize that none of that mattered. I just wanted to be here, inside, with him.

“Oh, wow, you’ve got a good sense of style,” I said as he let me inside.

“What were you expecting? A frat pad?”

“Kind of.”

He kicked a random pair of discarded socks so they were hidden behind a messy pile of sneakers by the door. He rushed over and snatched the boxer briefs that were hanging off the couch arm. He’d taken those off to jerk his cock the other night, leaving them on the couch as he walked naked to his bed, where he crashed after he’d had his marathon jerk-off session.

No masturbation lotion, though.Good on you, Jace. You do clean up sometimes.

“Nah, I’m usually pretty tidy,” Jace said. “I used to be way worse. Especially when the depression was really bad. But keeping things relatively clean helps me keep happy. Besides, it’s not like there’s a lot of real estate here to maintain. What excuse do I really have?”

---