Page 2 of Don't Puck the Wrong Brother

Lennox:Tonight?

Hannah:Tonight

Lennox:Omg, I bet he has a monster dick. From what I've heard his older brother has one.

My stomach plummets, a stone dropping through water. A monster dick seems…daunting. If anything, it sounds like a medieval torture device. What if it’s too big? What if I can’t take all of him? What if he tells his friends that I have the sexual prowess of a confused penguin?

Just then, my phone buzzes with a new message.

Cade:Hey girl

Cade:My pants are changed

My fingers are flying across the screen, I type without thinking.

Hannah:Keep me in your prayers

Horror dawns slowly, like a sunrise I want desperately to stop.

Wrong. Fucking. Person.

I scramble upright, my heart pounding as I watch those three little dots appear on my screen.

Cade:Why?

I squeeze my eyes shut so tightly I see stars. Fuck. Me. (But not literally, at this rate.)

Hannah:Got an F on my paper

Hannah:Not that I'm stupid or anything

Hannah:Just pray for me that the professor let's me submit extra credit

Cade:Amen

I stare at my screen, thumbs hovering over the keyboard. What now?

Hannah:(Draft) Now that your pants have changed, do you want to

Shit.

Want to what?

Come over so I can awkwardly seduce you? Let me demonstrate my complete lack of sexual experience? I delete the draft, groaning. Lennox was right, I should have just gone with him instead of turning into a human roadrunner.

My phone buzzes again, rescuing me from my spiral.

Cade:I'm going to my brother's hockey game tonight if you still want to come?

Cade:No pressure if you need to do homework to catch up

The hockey game! It completely slipped my mind. I press my palm against my forehead, a new plan taking shape. Plan C—because apparently I need the entire alphabet of plans today.

I'll pretend to do homework while he's at the hockey game. Meanwhile, I'll actually prep for tonight's main event. I'll take an ‘everything’ shower (the kind where you exfoliate, deep condition, and shave everything that can possibly be shaved), blow out my hair, lotion my body until I'm practically slip-and-slide ready, and ask him to text me when he gets home. Then I'll sneak into his apartment (I have a key for "emergencies"), get into his bed, and finally have sex with my hot boyfriend.

I'm practically vibrating with renewed determination as I type.

Hannah:I am going to do these assignments tonight. Text me when you get home.

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