Page 34 of Just Is Not Enough

How could three words Kaden uttered in a sleep haze send me spiraling? ‘You’re not him.’ I’m not who? And is that a good thing or bad thing? Is he disappointed I’m not him? Is he hung up on someone and I missed the signs? I don’t think I misread what this is between us. I need answers but how do I even approach this? And will he tell me the truth?

Of course, he will. When has he ever lied to me?

Too many ominous thoughts running through my head all night, I haven’t slept a wink. I laid here holding him as tight as I could, wondering when it will be the last time I’ll be able to. When will he stop beingmine? Was he ever really mine? How and when did I become dependent on his presence in my life?

I want to scream in frustration, but I don’t want to wake him. I want to stay like this for as long as possible.

Fred senses my unease and comes to lie down next to my head, nudging my face with his snout. He really does know when I need his support.

It’s a little past six when Kaden starts to wake. He groans as if in pain.

“Good morning. How’re you feeling?” I attempt normal.

“Like I got hit by a freight train. I don’t think I drank enough to feel this badly. Did I pass out on you last night?”

“I don’t know about that. You did have four or five beers and at least half a dozen shots with Lanie and Faith. I think Connor may have snuck you one or two, as well. Seems like enough to get you more than a little tipsy.” I tease at his denial. “And yeah, my excellent snuggling skills had you asleep in no time.” I’m dying inside to ask him about who ’him’ is.

“I have to admit, you are a pretty good Snugglebug. One of the best, maybe.”

“Am I the only one?” I can’t resist the opening he left me.

Kaden pulls back and looks at me like I grew five heads all of a sudden. “What do you mean?”

I sigh deeply and face this head on. “Last night before you fell asleep you said, ‘you’re not him.' Who’s him?”

Kaden’s face goes pale as he looks away from me. It doesn’t give me warm feelings.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it?”

He gets into a sitting position, crisscross apple saucing his legs facing towards me. I follow suit and sit up. “Let me start with, I feel really bad for doing this and it won’t ever happen again.” Taking a deep breath, he continues, “I’ve been comparing you to my sort of ex since we met.”

My turn to take a deep breath. I drop my eyes to my hands in my lap.

“Hear me out.”

I nod, waiting to hear the rest. I’m attempting to not react poorly though my stomach is in knots.

“We met at the beginning of our second year of dental school. We had a lot in common and had the same study habits, so it was an easy friendship. Then my feelings grew into something more. Typical gay guy falls for his straight friend sad story, right?” He huffs and I can’t help but copy him.

“Towards the end of that school year things started to change. Tyler was staring longer, friendly touches on a hand or arm turned into more, hugs lasted longer. One thing led to another, and it turned into a full-blown relationship. The only problem was Tyler would never admit it to anyone. Behind closed doors we were like any other couple. In public, we were two guy friends studying, hanging out, normal day-to-day activities. That lasted almost two years.”

“I don’t know why I put up with it for so long.” He pauses, contemplating his own statement. “Scratch that, I do know why. Because Tyler kept reassuring me that he loved me, and it wouldn’t be forever. He wanted to get through school and then we could be together out in the open. He always came up with, what felt at the time, logical reasons why it had to be that way. He was my first boyfriend, believe it or not. I didn’t see the red flags staring me in the face. Like they say, love is blind, so I believed him.”

“You were in love with him?” I hesitate asking, not knowing if I really want to hear the answer.

“Yeah, well at least I thought it was love. I guess.”

“Why did it end?”

“A month prior to graduation Tyler was acting weird, being crude and short whenever we spoke. Then he started back peddling saying he couldn’t worry about being in a relationship right now, I was too distracting. He needed to focus on his INBDE exams and career. Then he could think about settling down once he’s established. For added effect his last words to me were, ‘you know I’m not gay, so I don’t know why this is a surprise to you’ in a text message only to rub salt in my wounds. I haven’t heard from him since.”

“And that’s why you were pushing me away when we first met. I was straight like him and that’s a bad thing.”

“I swore off all straight men after Tyler. In hindsight it wasn’t fair to you. I shouldn’t have compared you, or anyone for that matter, to him. Just because one guy is an asshole doesn’t mean they will all be like him.”

We sit in silence for a moment. I can see he’s deep in thought, though.

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